


All Alone

by someofthissomeofthat11011



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-25 17:14:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 31,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14383284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someofthissomeofthat11011/pseuds/someofthissomeofthat11011
Summary: What if when Spencer and Aaron dress up like Simon and Ethan to humiliate them in the cafeteria, Ms. Albright wasn’t around to put a stop to it? Simon reaches his breaking point and fights back; however, he could never have anticipated the repercussions of standing up for himself.





	1. The Breakdown

 

“Do you have something you want to say to me?” Simon asked loudly. He didn’t care that he was drawing attention to himself. After the day he’d had, he was used to the stares and whispers. Plus, after Spencer and Aaron’s little performance, having everyone’s attention was inevitable.

Normally, Simon would have just ignored them, but he felt an exceptionally strong urge to do something, anything that would distract him from the shitshow that was his life right now. He’d had an emotional morning and he felt like Leah, Nick, and Abby had broken up with him in a way. Things were still tense with his family since his dad’s “who turned you?” joke. And the icing on the cake was his one constant, the one person he could always rely on and that he could share everything with, still wasn’t answering his e-mails. Simon knew he was back and he knew word must have reached him by now, so he could only assume that Blue was done with him. He would likely never know who his mysterious Blue was and would never get his love story.

After all of that, he simply did not have room to care. Simon would probably feel more angry if his numbness and emptiness weren’t driving out every other feeling. Spencer pretended he couldn’t hear Simon and when he repeated himself, Spencer jumped down off the table. “You got a problem?” He asked roughly. He got up in Simon’s face which caused Simon to take a step back and bump into the edge of a table.

Simon glared at him and all the numbness built up in his chest. He felt like he was kind of angry, but mostly he was over it. Martin’s post, and his friends abandoning him, and Blue… always Blue. Without thinking, Simon pushed Spencer hard. Spencer stumbled back a couple of steps and for a few moments, he just looked shocked.

Simon could pinpoint the exact moment that Spencer realized what he had done because everything started to move in slow motion. He could hear the collective “OH!” that always preceded a fight. It sounded long and drawn-out and strangely monotone.

He could feel his heart pounding in his ears. It drowned out the sounds of eager anticipation around him. He watched Spencer’s face turn red and watched him bunch up his fists. He watched as Aaron climbed down off the table, whispered something to Spencer, and then turned to face Simon as well. When Spencer threw the first punch, everything seemed to speed up so that it was flying by in a blur. Simon felt like a dam broke in him the moment Spencer made impact. All the emotions he had been successfully repressing rose up and provided the fuel for him to fight back.

Simon didn’t think. Despite being outnumbered and outmatched, he didn’t back down. He felt like as soon as it started, it was over, but that couldn’t be right. Because his knuckles were cracked and bleeding in a way they could only be if he had struck out multiple times. He also knew he had been punched and kicked several times, and his eye was squinting no matter how hard he tried to open it fully, but he didn’t feel the pain of those injuries… yet.

It took him several moments to process what had stopped their fight… or more so, who. At first, Simon thought maybe it had been Nick or Abby or Leah, but he spotted them still sitting in the same seats they had been in when Simon had first entered the cafeteria. They were staring with their mouths agape and were not making any attempt to help him.

He glanced at the person that was currently pulling him away from Spencer and Aaron. He was shocked to see it was Bram. Quiet Bram who’d said a handful of words to him since they started high school freshman year. Quiet Bram who had unintentionally crushed Simon on Halloween by being not-so quiet and making out with a minion. Bram who must have gotten to the cafeteria just as the fight started. “Stop,” Simon whispered.

He wasn’t sure if it was the broken quality of Simon’s voice or the fact that all of the fight left Simon’s body, but Bram stopped walking and released the grip he had on Simon’s arm.

Bram wasn’t sure how Simon only landed the role of Company Member Number 8, because it turned out he was a really good actor. The moment that Bram let go, Simon’s face lit up with pure fury and he charged back to where Aaron and Spencer were being held back by two large football players.

Bram did the only thing he could think of, which was to wrap his arms tightly around Simon and throw all of his weight into keeping him in place. Simon still fought against him, but he didn’t have a chance. “Stop!” Bram warned. “They’re not worth it! Just let it go.”

“I can’t!” Simon said. His voice was shaky and for the first time, Bram realized Simon was crying. It wasn’t a full-blown sob, but he looked like he was working up to that, so Bram thought it was only a matter of time. He needed to get Simon out of the cafeteria and away from curious eyes.

“You have to. You can’t give into them or they’ll never stop. They’ll keep coming after you for the reaction they know they’ll get.” This time Simon really gave up and slumped in Bram’s arms. “Come on. Let’s get you out of here.” Bram shot Spencer and Aaron the nastiest look he had ever given someone and gently led Simon out into the hallway. The moment they turned down the small hallway near the cafeteria, Simon gave up. He collapsed backwards into Bram’s chest. Bram carefully helped him to the ground and then crouched in front of him. Bram knew as he started to ask it, that it was a stupid question, but he didn’t know what else to say. “Are you okay?”

Simon looked up at him, but his eyes looked like they weren’t really seeing him. “No,” he whispered before he started to cry in earnest. Simon had thought that he couldn’t cry anymore because he had been numb all morning, but he had apparently lost the safety of the numbness when Spencer threw his first punch. He had been tearing up in the cafeteria, a mix between anger, fear, and the emotional turmoil he had been experiencing. But this? This was big ugly sobs and red splotches on his face and barely being able to breath in between sobs. This was unlike anything Bram had ever experienced

“Do you want me to get Leah? Or Nick?” Bram asked. That was apparently the wrong thing to ask, because Simon shook his head as a particularly violent sob wracked through his body. Simon bent him knees, rested his arms his knees, and buried his face in between his arms. Bram stopped trying to say the right thing, he stopped trying to get Simon to stop crying. Instead, he sat down next to him, allowed his arm to rest against Simon’s and waited. “I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

After several minutes, Simon made a noise that almost sounded like he was choking. “Blue,” he moaned.

Bram froze, terrified that Simon had somehow discovered that he was Blue. After a moment, he realized that Simon hadn’t and realized just how bad things must be for him if he had gotten to the point where he was literally sobbing in the middle of a hallway and calling out for his online penpal.

Bram’s heart clenched in his chest. This would probably be the ideal moment to tell Simon who he was, but he couldn’t do it. He felt for Simon, but if anything, seeing what just happened to him had pushed Bram so far back into the closet, he couldn’t even see the doors to get out.

When the bell rang, Simon made no attempt to get up and go to class. Bram lingered protectively, shooting angry looks at anyone that so much as looked at Simon. If this weren’t such a serious situation, Bram would have laughed at the nervous looks he got. He was in pretty good shape thanks to extensive soccer workouts and off-season practices. He liked to imagine that he came across as intimidating to anyone that was trying to see what was happening with Simon. He was grateful they had ducked down this particular hallway, because there were only two classrooms and a handful of lockers, which minimized the foot traffic.

He wasn't the kind of person to skip class, but Bram found himself staying by Simon’s side. It seemed like hours had passed before Simon calmed enough to lift his head. In reality, it had been less than an hour.

Bram took one look at Simon’s red-rimmed eyes, blotched face, and tear-streaked cheeks before he stood up. “Lets go,” Bram said, extending his hand to Simon.

Simon eyed his hand like he thought it was going to sprout a mouth and bite him. “Where are we going?”

“Anywhere you want, but we’re gonna get away from here.”

Still, Simon hesitated. “Why are you helping me?”

Bram sighed. “Because I don't believe you deserve what happened in there and from what I just saw… well, you're clearly dealing with some stuff and I don't think going to class today is going to help.”

“What about you? You could get in trouble.”

Bram shook his head. “I'll tell them I wasn't feeling well. Now, come on. We should get out of here before the bell rings.”

Simon nodded and tentatively reached for Bram’s hand. Bram helped him to his feet and they quickly walked out of school with their heads held high, trying to look like they were supposed to be leaving. Bram didn't let out the breath he was holding until he and Simon were sitting in his car. Despite what he had said earlier, Bram was almost positive he was going to get in trouble for this, but he felt partially responsible for Simon's breakdown, so he felt it was the least he could do.

“Where to?” Bram asked once he started his car.

“I don't care,” Simon said with a shrug.

“Do you want me to take you home?” Bram asked.

“No!!” Simon practically shouted.

Bram stared at him shocked. He had known Simon said it didn't go well when he came out to his family, but that was over a week ago. “Right,” Bram said. He closed his eyes, before he put his car into reverse.

“Where are we going?”

“My place.” Bram gripped the steering wheel hard, wondering how he was going to get through this afternoon without Simon finding out who he was.

It ended up being easier than Bram anticipated. First, they had to clean Simon up. He had a small cut above his eyebrow and a wicked bruise on his cheek. Once Bram had gotten Simon some milk and Oreos, it was like a floodgate opened. Simon started talking about everything that had been happening with his friends, Martin blackmailing him, and how awkward things were with his family. Bram couldn’t help but feel sorry for Simon. He knew he was only getting part of the story, and he couldn’t imagine how much worse it was than what Simon was describing. He didn’t think he would be faring that well if he were in Simon’s shoes.

Bram was surprised that Simon didn’t mention a word about Blue. Even now, Simon was trying to protect him and safeguard his secret.

When Bram had offered to drive Simon home, Simon’s eyes had gotten wide and he looked terrified. His hand instinctively made its way to the bruise on his cheek. With how awkward things had been with his family, he didn’t want to add to it by telling them he had practically gotten beaten up at school.

Bram cleared it with his mom and ordered Simon to text his parents, and only once he confirmed Simon would let his parents know where he was, he extended the offer for Simon to spend the night. Simon didn’t hesitate. He actually said yes before Bram even got it all out.

Bram had never seen Simon sleep before. He was fidgeting and made quiet noises in his sleep, noises that were a weird mix between a whimper and a moan. Bram wouldn't be surprised if Simon was having nightmares after the day he'd had.

Bram could not sleep and after Simon had been asleep nearly an hour, he opened his laptop. He had typed up his response to Simon that morning, he just couldn’t bring himself to send it right before school. He looked at the words that could very well end up being Simon’s breaking point.

He had fully intended to tell Simon that he couldn’t do this anymore, but he couldn’t press send on the message. What Simon needed more than anything in the world right now was a friend. Bram wanted so badly to be that friend. And he reasoned that there was no reason Simon had to know that Blue and Bram were the same person. Bram was not ready to be out, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t support Simon.

He found himself deleting his message and typing a new one.

 

_Simon,_

_I saw the post. I know who you are. Jacques a dit, right? Simon Says in French? Very clever._

_I also heard about what happened in school today. I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve for it to happen. You deserve to be out and proud without any of the assholes in this school making you feel like you are worthless. Appreciate this Simon, I called them assholes for you._

_I hope you understand that my knowing who you are doesn’t change things. I still am not ready to be out and after what I saw today, it might take a little while for me to gain the strength I need to face those guys. Once I am ready, you’ll be the first to know. I’m sorry. I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to wait._

_I want to be here for you, because I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I don’t want you to go through it alone, but I also don’t want to reveal who I am yet. I really hope you understand, because I don’t want to disappear and I don’t want to lose you either._

 

Bram stared at his computer screen for several minutes as two parts of his brain argued back and forth. The part of him that was undeniably in love with Simon won:

 

_Love, Blue_

 

Bram slept soundly after he sent that message. When he woke up, he was surprised to have a message from Simon in his inbox. He didn't know when Simon had woken up, but when Bram glanced over him now, he was fast asleep and looked so much more peaceful than he had before. There was a small smile on his face and he looked several years younger.

 

_Blue,_

_Believe me, I understand, I really do. I wouldn't wish what happened today… well, I guess now it was yesterday, on my worst enemy, much less someone I like as much as you. In a way, I feel like you're my best friend. You're more of a friend than my actual friends have been. GOD, how sad does that sound?_

_I don't know what to say except: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!_

_I really thought this was going to scare you away. Everything's falling apart, but I feel like if I have you, I can get through this._

_So I gotta tell you how weird it is being out. For the most part, kids were fine with it. I mean there were a lot of stares and pointing, but I thought I could handle it. But then lunch happened. I got in a freaking fight, can you believe it? If Bram hadn't stopped me, I don't know what would have happened._

_Do you know Bram? He's in our grade. He's the quiet kid that through that HUGE Halloween party back in October. I know what you're thinking: who is this guy that came to your rescue? Should I be jealous? Well Blue, I wish I could say you should be jealous, because I have a feeling it would be a cute look on you, but Bram is straight as an arrow, so nothing to worry about there._

_God, this may be the least grammatical email I've ever sent to you. In defense of me, I haven't been sleeping well since IT was posted to the school blog so I've been 95% zombie for several days now. Please ignore all sentence fragments and grammatical errors (even though I know you think they're cute - you do still think they're cute, right?)._

_THANK YOU! (Again). I can't explain what it means that you're not just going to disappear, even though our emails were leaked. And I think I need to say this, though I might regret it when I’m not so sleep deprived: I think I'm in love with you. I can’t believe I wrote that. I can’t believe I’m pressing send._

_Love, Simon_

 

Bram smiled to himself. Simon said he was in love with him. It made his stomach churn and his cheeks redden. It was weird to see Simon call him straight as an arrow, when he was about as straight as a circle, but he couldn't help but feel a little relieved at that. His secret was still clearly safe with him. He glanced at his clock. He really should be waking up Simon, but he didn’t think he could wait to respond to that email.

 

_Simon,_

_I know exactly what you mean about feeling like we're best friends. I think it's usually hard to talk about the stuff we talk about, but it's easy with you. You're the only one that knows most of that stuff about me. I’m sorry that I’m being a better friend than your friends are, especially since this is the first time I’ve talked to you in weeks._

_The name Bram rings a bell. I think I have a couple of classes with him._

 

Bram frowned. He couldn’t write that. Even if Simon might not consider it a lie, Bram did and he eventually wanted Simon to know who he was, plus he didn't need Simon bombarding him with questions about who he shared classes with. While he definitely didn’t want Simon to know he was Blue, he also didn’t want Simon to think anyone else was Blue. It was a really confusing place to be in. He deleted his last two sentences.

 

_God, a fight? That’s kinda hard to imagine. Are you okay? I’m glad someone stepped in - can’t have you getting in trouble with everything else you have going on. I’m glad to know that I don’t have any competition - you should exclusively like boys with colors for their fake names and awkward Hanukkah traditions._

_If you don’t mind my asking, what is going on? From what I know about you, you don’t seem like the kind of guy to pick fights. And I know A LOT about you._

_OF COURSE I still think your sentence fragments are cute. I’ll admit, I was a little upset at first when I saw our emails online - how did that happen? - and at first, I didn’t think I would be able to keep this up, but I can’t imagine not having you in my life even if it's only via email._

 

Bram looked right at Simon and chewed his lip. Could he say it? He had to. It was the truth.

 

_You shouldn’t regret it, because I think I’m falling in love with you too._

_Love, Blue_

 

Bram waited a few minutes after he pressed send for his heart to calm down before he woke up Simon.

Simon looked so peaceful for a split second before Bram could literally see the weight of the world crash down on him. He looked around numbly and grimaced. “I need to get home and shower,” he mumbled.

“There’s not enough time. Both of us will be late if I have to bring you home first. You can shower here.” Bram tried to sound nonchalant and unphased at the idea of Simon showering in his house.

“I don’t have clean clothes,” Simon said, shaking his head.

“My clothes might be a little big on you, but you can borrow some of mine.” Bram pretended to be looking through his dresser, but he really was trying to hide his blush at the thought of Simon wearing his clothes. It seemed like something that couples would do.

He grabbed a shirt and a hoodie for Simon and a pair of his jeans. There was no way they were going to fit him right, but it was better than nothing. Simon awkwardly shifted from one foot to another. “What’s wrong?” Bram asked.

“I need some boxers,” Simon admitted reluctantly.

“Oh. Sorry.” Bram opened a different drawer of his dresser and hesitated before he threw Simon a pair of pale blue boxers. He knew it was a little risky, but he doubted Simon would make the connection between him and the boxers he chose. “The bathroom is down the hall on the left.” Bram knew Simon already knew that, but he didn’t know what else to say.

Simon nodded and practically scurried to the bathroom. Once he got back, Bram grabbed his own clothes and ran for the shower. He took longer than he usually did, but his nerves were frazzled. Simon Spier was in love with him. Of course, he didn’t know Bram was Blue, but that didn’t change the fact that he was in love with him. It made him feel reckless and giddy, and he was having trouble reigning in those feelings.

When Bram returned to his room, fully clothed and in significantly better control of his emotions, Simon was smiling big and was typing away furiously on his phone. “Where’s the fire? Did you forget to do your homework?” Bram teased. Simon turned a deep red and Bram realized that he must have been typing his response to their latest email. Bram felt an itch to know what Simon was going to say, but he knew he would have to be patient. “Anyway. Breakfast is a big deal to my mom. She says it’s in her genes as a doctor, so we sit down and eat breakfast every morning. I probably should have warned you about that before you agreed to stay the night, but…” Bram trailed off.

He didn’t say what he was thinking, but Simon did. “I was in a bad place,” he said with a shrug. “I don’t imagine I was a ball of sunshine yesterday and I appreciate you putting up with that.”

“You seem like you’re feeling better today,” Bram observed.

“Yesterday sucked. I’m not going to sugar coat it.” Simon had a far off look in his eye. “Today, I don’t know… I don’t feel so alone.”


	2. The Next Day

 

“Bram, Simon, breakfast!” Bram’s mom called up the stairs, piercing the moment they were having and pulling them back to reality.

Simon usually didn’t eat more than a few bites for breakfast, but when he saw the eggs, bacon, and toast Bram’s mom had prepared, he suddenly felt ravenous. He had a feeling it had more to do with the fact that he wasn’t rushing out the door to avoid his parents and that he had only picked at the pizza Bram had ordered last night, than the actual spread on the table.

Bram’s mom waited until they both had plates, added more bacon and toast to Simon’s plate, and then started to speak. “So, Simon,” she said. Simon felt like she was peering into his soul. At least he knew who Bram got it from. “Bram filled me in on your… situation. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need.” She looked over at Bram. “I know I’d want someone to help Bram if he were going through something like this, so if there’s anything I can do, you need only ask.”

Simon looked at her shocked. “You mean…” he trailed off. He couldn’t bring himself to finish his sentence.

“I mean that we have a spare room and if things ever get rough, our home is always open to you.”

Simon felt a familiar burn behind his eyes and he knew that in a matter of seconds he would be crying, but he couldn’t help it. He barely knew Bram and he certainly knew nothing about his mother other than what he had learned this morning, which is that she is an exemplary breakfast chef. It didn’t seem possible that a woman that didn’t know him would be opening her home to him, when it felt like everyone he loved had turned their backs on him. “Thank you,” he said, his breath hitching in his throat. “That means a lot.”

“Do you think you’ll be spending the night tonight?” She asked quietly. She had this weird way of making it sound like it was a no pressure situation.

Simon glanced at Bram. He would like nothing more than to escape reality for one more day or maybe the weekend. That would give his bruise time to fade. He had been taken aback when he saw it in the mirror when he was taking a shower and he knew he was going to attract even more stares and whispers with it. He knew his parents would notice it in a heartbeat. He felt a little ashamed. He knew things were bad with his parents, but he never thought he would be the kind of guy to run away from his problems. Then again, with everything else, he didn’t think there was any harm in taking a break from his parents. It would give them all time to think. He also wanted little more than to have something to look forward to, something to get him through school, but he didn’t want to inconvenience Bram. He raised his eyebrows and Bram nodded. “It’s a Friday. Maybe we can invite Garrett and turn it into a slumber party.”

Simon grinned despite himself. “Only if we braid each other’s hair and share our deepest, darkest secrets.”

Bram chuckled. “Don’t forget the pillow fight,” he joked. Simon laughed to himself. He had never noticed how funny Bram was.

After that, they ate breakfast in a comfortable silence. When they were cleaning up the dishes, Bram’s mom turned to them. “They have me scheduled for a double, so I won't be home until around 7am. I don’t mind if Garrett joins you, but I don’t want a repeat of Halloween. No more than a handful of people and no alcohol.”

“This isn’t the first time you’ve worked a double. I’ll be good,” Bram promised. He had a mischievous look in his eye.

“Yeah, sure. Uh huh,” Bram’s mom said as she rolled her eyes. “Just don’t break anything. Doubles are exhausting enough. I don’t need to worry about having to clean up after you when I get home.”

“Deal,” Bram said with a grin. “And I promise. It will just be the three of us and we won’t leave the house.”

“Good. Have a good day at school.” Bram’s mom kissed his cheek and squeezed his shoulder. Simon looked away. It felt like he was intruding on an intimate mother-son moment.

“See you in the morning,” Bram told her as he grabbed his bag.

Simon followed him out to his car. “Did you get in trouble for your Halloween party?” Simon asked curiously as they started the short commute to school.

Bram shook his head. “She knew about that beforehand. She didn’t necessarily know how many people were going to be here, but neither did I until everyone showed up. She knew I was having people over and that there would be alcohol.”

“And she was okay with that?” Simon’s eyebrows knit together in shock.

“Eh… She wasn’t okay with it, more so she knew that it was probably going to happen with or without her consent. Since she and my dad got divorced, she can only manage so much parenting with her work schedule. They have her scheduled for a ridiculous amount of doubles. She works a double every Friday and sometimes she’s even scheduled a second double in a week. After working 16 hours, she’s basically out for the count for at least a full 8 hours, sometimes more. Between that and her regular shifts… this divorce wasn’t easy on her and she’s doing her best with me. So, I do my best to be easy on her. I get good grades. I don’t get in trouble at school. In exchange, she lets me be a normal teenager as long as I’m not sneaky about it,” Bram said with a shrug. “She would rather me do something in front of her face than behind her back. I think her exact words were ‘I’d rather spend a night worrying than the rest of my life wishing I hadn’t gotten a phone call.’ As long as I’m safe and have a plan to make sure everyone else is safe, she gives me a lot of flexibility with stuff like that.”

“Your mom sounds awesome,” Simon told him.

“She’s pretty great,” Bram agreed. He couldn’t help but smile. His parents may be divorced, but he was really lucky to have two parents that loved him so much, something he realized not everyone had. “I’ve been meaning to ask you, but I didn't want to pry. What happened with your parents? You seem to really dread going home and I know you mentioned things were tense, but you didn’t say why. Do you want to talk about it?”

Simon glanced at him. “I haven’t talked to anyone about this. It’s still a little fresh.”

“You don’t have to,” Bram said quickly. The last thing he wanted was to make Simon uncomfortable.

“I think I want to.” Simon sounded surprised and looked like he was having a debate with himself. “I came out to them on Christmas and my dad’s response was ‘which of your old girlfriends turned you?’ And then he got up and left.” Simon shrugged, but Bram could see how much it bothered him. “I guess part of me has always been afraid that there was some truth behind the jokes he made, like that maybe he really is uncomfortable with gay people. And with me being gay.” Simon was silent for a while and Bram didn’t know what to say to that. It had been awkward when he came out to his parents, but neither of them had tried to make jokes about his sexuality. The worst they had done was mortally embarrass him by having multiple sex talks with him. “I’m not trying to change the subject, but would you mind following me to my house after school today? I want to leave my car at my house and not in the school parking lot all weekend and I’d like to grab some stuff from my room… Like a change of clothes. Not that your clothes aren’t great, but…”

“They’re not your style?” Bram guessed with a small smile. “I’m not offended.”

“Thanks,” Simon said gratefully. He pressed his forehead to the window and was surprised when Bram turned left, heading away from the school. “Wait, where are we going?”

“Iced coffee.”

“How did you…?” Simon could hardly believe that Bram knew about his iced coffee ritual. He usually finished it before he got to school, so it wasn’t likely he had seen him walking around school with it.

Bram shrugged as he pulled up to the window at Dancing Goats. Simon mused that Bram didn’t talk all that much, but he clearly picked up on a lot. “Do you want anything in yours?” Bram asked as he fiddled with something in his wallet

“No, black is fine.”

“Two iced coffees, one with milk please.”

Simon realized after Bram had paid that he probably should have offered to pay or should have paid for his own coffee at least. He decided he would cover dinner or something to make up for everything.

Simon took his iced coffee, grateful that he wasn’t awkwardly going through the drive-through himself today. He and his friends had been regulars and he hadn’t missed the look of pity the barista gave him when he pulled up by himself the day before.

Simon drank his iced coffee on the way to school, feeling significantly more upbeat than he had the day before. “I’ll see you at lunch,” Bram told him as he walked towards the school.

“Will you?” Simon asked surprised, the faintest touch of color in his cheeks.

Bram just nodded before he rushed to get to his locker before homeroom. Bram’s locker wasn’t that close to Simon’s, but it was in the same hallway and he noticed the look of fear and anger that manifested on Simon’s face as he crumpled something up in his hand and slammed his locker shut.

When the lunch bell rang, Bram lingered to ensure he would get there after Simon. He wasn’t sure why, but the idea of sitting alone at that table and waiting for Simon made his skin crawl. Despite having gone to the bathroom and having taken his time at his locker, Bram arrived at the cafeteria before Simon. He caught Garrett in the lunch line and pulled him to a secluded corner of the cafeteria. Bram quickly filled him in on what Simon had told him, leaving out anything he thought Simon wouldn’t want anyone else to know. When he asked if he wanted to spend the night, Garrett agreed without a second thought.

“Are we trying to get Spier drunk tonight?” Garrett asked with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. Anything related to alcohol typically piqued his interest.

“Not necessarily, but I figured a night of being normal teenagers might help him,” Bram said with a shrug.

Suddenly, a silence fell over the entire cafeteria. Bram watched as Garrett’s jaw dropped. Bram turned to see what everyone was staring at and he couldn’t help but mimic their surprise. Simon had just walked in. He was limping and clutching a bloody tissue to his nose. He limped straight to the abandoned table, keeping his eyes on the ground. He didn’t try to get food, instead, he stared at the table, looking like he wanted to die… and it frightened Bram that he wasn’t sure if that was literal or figurative.

“Dude, I think we’re gonna have to skip the beer and go straight to the hard alcohol,” Garrett whispered. He, like most people in the cafeteria, still hadn’t taken his eyes off of Simon.

“I’m going to go sit with him.” Bram’s voice was barely a whisper as if he were afraid of drawing attention to himself during the eerie silence they were experiencing.

Garrett hesitated only a moment before he followed Bram’s lead. They both found themselves sitting across from Simon, not sure what they should say. They were saved the awkwardness of having to make small talk by a lunch aid that came over to their table. News of the fight must have spread, because there were at least ten teachers in the cafeteria. They were walking between the tables and were noticeably on the lookout for trouble.

The aid that approached them, gingerly put her hand on Simon’s shoulder. “Are you alright dear?”

“Yeah. I just walked into one of the support beams by the auditorium,” Simon said with a shrug.

Garrett and Bram exchanged looks. While Simon was right that there were support beams outside the auditorium, they were nearly impossible to walk into, because they were surrounded by trophy cases and paraphernalia from plays done since Creekwood High opened. While they saw through his lie in a heartbeat, the aid was apparently convinced he was just exceptionally clumsy. After offering to write him a pass to go to the nurse, she went back to walking in between tables and trying to eavesdrop on various students’ conversations.

Once she was out of earshot, Garrett got Simon's attention by rapping his knuckles on the table. “What was that about?” He asked, motioning towards the lunch aid.

“I don't know what you mean,” Simon lied. He had yet to look up from the table.

“Does this have anything to do with why you got called to Mr. Worth’s office last period?”

“This? No. I told you, I just walked into a pole.” Garrett and Bram exchanged looks. There was no way. “Mr. Worth called me in because he found out about the fight yesterday. He called Spencer and Aaron into his office as well. They thought I told him about it and about that fun, little skit they did, since he launched into a full 30 minute spiel about how this school believes in tolerance and acceptance, and that he will not allow acts of discrimination in his school, and that they needed to respect Ethan and my choice to be boyfriends. The best part is when I told him Ethan and I weren’t dating, his response was to tell me it’s my choice if I want to keep it casual with him.” Simon looked furious by the time he finished talking and Bram couldn’t blame him. Kids were never going to stop being cruel if teachers and administrators couldn’t understand things like this.

“He’s just as bad as they are,” Garrett said angrily. His reaction surprised both Simon and Bram. “Well, he is. He’s supposed to be acting as a role model and instead he automatically assumes that the two openly gay kids in our school must be hooking up. That’s discriminatory in itself.” If this weren’t so serious, Bram would have jokingly asked Garrett when he started reading the dictionary.

“He means well. He just has no idea how to deal with stuff like this.” Before they could say anything, Simon launched into a monotone speech about how they need to train administrators to be able to more appropriately address social justice issues like this. It didn’t escape Bram’s notice that he had dodged the question of how he had gotten hurt. He hoped Simon would tell Blue what happened. Part of him was dying to know.

School passed slowly after lunch and by the time the bell rang and dismissed them for the weekend, Bram felt like a couple of days away from his classmates was exactly what he needed. He followed Simon to his house and had every intention of waiting in the car until Simon packed what he needed, but Simon knocked on his window.

“My neighbors will call the police on you, because a teenager sitting alone in a car spells trouble around here.” At first. Bram thought he was joking, but when he didn’t laugh, Bram hastily got out of the car and followed him inside.

Simon hurried up the stairs and while he was waiting, Bram checked his email. He was surprised that Simon had managed to email him about an hour after lunch. It wasn’t easy to text during the school day since teachers were hyper vigilant about that.

 

_Blue,_

_I don’t have much time. I literally sprinted to the bathroom so that I would be able to write this up… It’s the second time I’ve done that for you. I had to send it from here, because I refuse to so much as think about my emails near a school computer. You asked how it happened? That’s how all this happened. I couldn’t wait to answer one of your emails a little before Halloween, so I pulled it up on a school computer and forgot to log out. Someone got on the computer after me, read them, and started to blackmail me using our emails._

_As for what’s going on? I don’t know if there’s a word to describe it. No wait, there is. It’s: GAAAAAHHHHHH! Accompanied by a mental image of me throwing my hands into the air and storming away in frustration. That’s how I feel right now. Today was the most freaking awful day I’ve had in a while - and that’s saying something given my track record recently._

_I’m worried about my friend. A lot of kids around school have been picking on him because they think he should like donuts, but really, he’s all about the eclairs. Today, they shoved him against a wall and kicked him hard when he fell down. He’s in a fair amount of pain. Part of me thinks that he should talk to someone about it. Because this is serious and he’s kind of afraid about what they might do next. But another part of me thinks that if he talks about it with someone, things are gonna get worse. And then they might never get better. What do you think? What should I tell him to do?_

_Since that fight yesterday, people have decided that I lost because I was girly and gay (their words, not mine). Somehow, the snide comments have gotten worse. I really didn’t think that was possible. On top of that, my friends are still ignoring me. Not one of them asked me if I was okay after what happened yesterday. I don’t know how much more of this I can take._

_The only thing that made it better was knowing that I would get to talk to you again today. Knowing that you weren’t gone forever, somehow made my day more manageable. And knowing that you might be falling in love with me. Even with all the shitty things happening to me and to my friend, I feel like a million bucks. And I must be, because you deserve nothing less than that._

_Hmmm… I should only like boys with names for colors and awkward Hanukkah traditions? My other Jewish, gay penpals Yellow and Red will be so disappointed. But seriously, I’m a little flattered that you want me to only like you. It almost feels like this is a real relationship and not one that I’ve been building up in my head. Is that weird? Thanks for everything Blue._

_Love, Simon_

 

Bram chewed on his lip after he read Simon’s last email. He knew Simon didn't have a friend that preferred eclairs to donuts. Bram blushed, suddenly understanding Simon’s metaphor. He wondered how long it had taken him to come up with that.

He glanced back down at the email. No wonder Simon hadn’t wanted to talk about it at lunch. This was more than them jumping on a table and acting like idiots. Now they were hurting him.

Bram found himself clenching his fists in anger. How dare they? Why did they have to hit a man when he was down? Literally.

 

_Simon,_

_Firstly, I’m sorry you had such a horrific day. You should sit back, eat some oreos, and listen to some music. It’s the weekend and you should spend it relaxing… Wait, can you even relax at home or is that the opposite of relaxing right now? No matter what, find a way to let go of this past week._

 

Bram felt a little guilty about that, because he knew exactly what Simon was doing this weekend. At the same time, he also wanted to know what Simon really thought about staying with him and he thought it would be suspicious if he asked it any other way.

 

_As for your ‘friend,’ I think that it would be hard for people to get to him if he’s always with his friends. As much as it sucks, until this whole donut-eclair nonsense dies down, it might be in his best interest to stick with his friends as much as possible. Do any of his other friends know what is happening with him?_

 

After a moment of deliberation, Bram removed the quotations from ‘friend.’ He kind of wanted Simon to know that he could see through his lie, but he worried that Simon wouldn’t tell him if something like that happened again.

 

_I think in a lot of ways, we are in a relationship. More so than most of the people I know that are actually in relationships._

_Love, Blue_

 

It took less than 10 minutes for his phone notification to go off. Bram was surprised that Simon responded so quickly, but he supposed it explained why he was taking so long to pack. Before he even read the email, he turned off the sound on his phone. He realized Simon might get suspicious if his phone kept going off right when he sent Blue a message.

 

_Blue,_

_I don't think I'll be doing much relaxing at home, mostly because I don't think I'll be spending all that much time there. I’m home packing right now, but my parents and sister aren't here. I'm staying with this kid from school for a few days. It was the weirdest thing. I had breakfast with his mom this morning - I don't usually eat breakfast, but I would make an exception for her food any day - and she told me I'm always welcome there. I wasn't going to take her up on it, but every time I think about going home, I feel like I've swallowed a balloon that keeps inflating in my chest. I think once things die down at school, I'll be ready to face my parents, but not yet._

_I know what you're thinking - I shouldn't run away from my problems. And I'm not. I'm just handling them one at a time._

_I think that is the one good thing that came out of this whole mess. That kid from school I mentioned before? I've started hanging out with him and his friend (don't worry, their names are not colors and they don't have your awkward (yet hilarious) Hanukkah traditions). I didn't really talk to them before all this happened. And I really thought they wouldn't take my gayness well. I dunno what it was. Something about them being jocks I guess. But they are taking it better than the rest of the school. They’re actually pretty cool. I feel like this is one of those “don't judge a book by its cover” life lessons they try to teach us when we're little._

_I appreciate your suggestions. I will definitely pass them onto him. I'm just worried, because I don't think he has many friends right now. He might not have anyone willing to do that for him... But you’re right. This whole thing is ridiculous. Who cares if he likes eclairs? It should be his business and no one else's._

_I sure am lucky to have you._

_Love, Simon_

 

Bram grinned to himself. Simon thought he was pretty cool. Somehow, that made him feel like he could fly.

He would have to figure something out with Garrett. He doubted Simon was going to tell them what was going on… unless Bram planted the right seeds as Blue.

 

_Simon,_

_I’m glad you’re getting some kind of break from your parents. And I actually wasn’t thinking that, thank you very much. I was thinking about how unfair it is that you have to deal with so much all at once. And I’m glad you have someone in your life you can talk to. I was worried about you._

_Maybe you should have him talk to the guys you’ve been hanging out with. If they’re cool with you, I would bet they’d be fine with him liking eclairs and maybe they’ll be able to help him out. You don’t know if you don’t ask._

_You’re not the lucky one, Simon. I’m the lucky one. You make me a better person every day. Do you ever think about what would have happened if you had never emailed me all those months ago?_

_I probably never would have come out to my parents. I definitely wouldn’t be contemplating when I will be ready to come out to the school. I never, not in a million years, would have opened up to someone like I’ve opened up to you. So you see, I am definitely the lucky one._

_Love, Blue_

 

Bram stared at his phone for a while after he pressed send. Part of him hoped Simon would see it and respond immediately.

As it turned out, Simon thought he had kept Bram waiting long enough.

“Sorry about that,” he said breathlessly. "I guess my little sister knows me pretty well. She left me a note on my dresser." He had a neatly folded piece of yellow paper in his hands.

“What did she say?” Bram paused for a moment and realized that it could have been something really personal. “Sorry, you don’t have to answer that.”

“No, it’s fine. She said things are weird without me and that she misses me. And that she understands.” Simon had a strange look in his eyes. “Anyway, I’m all set.” He tapped the backpack he was wearing. It certainly looked like it was stuffed to capacity.

“Right,” Bram said. He felt like he should try to get Simon to talk about the note or what was happening at school, but he didn’t know how to bring it up. When Simon started walking towards the front door, Bram followed him without a second thought.


	3. An Evening at Angelo’s

The drive to his house was tense. Bram wasn’t sure if he was building it up in his head or if Simon felt the tension too. He felt like all the questions he wanted to ask were sitting in between them. He was grateful when he pulled up to his house.

When Bram put the car in park, Simon spoke. “If you don’t want me to stay here, I could find somewhere else. Or I could go home,” he whispered. He was looking down at his shoes and it looked like it had taken a lot for him to say that.

“What are you talking about?” Bram asked confused.

“You’ve been acting weird since we got out of school. I just figured… I know we don’t know each other all that well and if it makes you that uncomfortable, I’m not gonna force you to let me stay here. I’m sure this is the last thing you expected or wanted when you let me stay over last night.” Simon was still pointedly staring at his shoes.

“That wasn’t it at all.” Bram studied Simon for a moment. He hadn’t wanted to pressure him into sharing more than he was comfortable with, but he also didn’t want Simon to think he was unwelcome. “I’m just worried about you. I don’t think you walked into a pole outside of the auditorium and I’ve been trying to figure out how to bring it up.”

Simon bit his lip. “I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet,” he told Bram guiltily. “It’s nothing against you. It’s just… like I said before. We don’t know each other that well yet.”

“If you were in trouble, would you tell me?” Bram asked him quietly. He knew he was bordering on recklessness, but he couldn’t help it.

“I don’t know,” Simon answered honestly.

Bram nodded and got out of his car. He knew from the faint shuffle behind him that Simon was following him to his front door. Bram opened the door and was startled when Simon put his hand on Bram’s shoulder. “Look,” he said. “I don’t mean to offend you, I really don’t. You stood up for me when no one else did and I will never stop owing you for that, but there are some things you don’t talk about until you know someone really well.”

Bram turned to Simon and was about to tell him that if he was in trouble, that trumped him not knowing Bram all that well. The words died on his lips when he saw the look in Simon’s eyes. He looked terrified that Bram would reject him or something. When Bram realized Simon’s arm was still on his shoulder his brain turned off. Every atom in Bram’s body was screaming at him to tell Simon he was gay, to take him in his arms, and to kiss him like he had never been kissed before.

Before Bram was even able to process the intensity of his emotions, Simon’s phone started to ring. It pierced whatever was happening between them and made Bram feel like he had been holding his breath for a very long time and was finally able to breathe again.

“I don’t recognize the number,” he said surprised. “Hello?” Simon chuckled. “I didn’t hear his phone ring, so it might be off.” He was quiet for a few seconds. “I’ll let him know. See you soon.”

Bram arched an eyebrow at Simon. “Who was that?”

“Garrett. He said he tried calling and texting you, but that he wasn’t getting a response. He’s on his way over now and wanted me to let you know that he’s in the mood for diner food.”

Bram rolled his eyes. “When is he not in the mood for diner food?” He suddenly realized that Simon might not know that about Garrett and that this might be exactly what he was talking about before. He really didn’t know much about them. They would have to change that tonight. “If he had a choice, he would eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at this little diner that’s around the corner from here. Angelo’s Kitchen. Have you ever eaten there?”

Simon frowned. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it.”

“They have the best french fries. Garrett insists that they’re better than sex.” Bram immediately felt himself blush. “Sorry. I don’t know if talking about stuff like that makes you uncomfortable.” He knew Simon had talked about sex with Blue, but wasn’t sure how he was okay with talking about it in real life. He’d never really heard him talk about stuff like that at lunch.

“It’s fine,” Simon said, allowing a small smile to appear on his face. “I’ll admit, I might not be able to contribute much to that conversation, but it doesn’t make me uncomfortable.”

“Me neither,” Bram admitted.

Simon looked really surprised by this and Bram made a mental note to ask him about that later. “I’ll show you where the guest room is. I figured for tonight, we could have our little slumber party in the living room.”

Simon followed him to the small guest room that usually doubled as storage. They had to move a couple of boxes to clear their way to the bed, but Simon didn’t seem to mind. “It’s perfect,” he whispered. Bram frowned. He couldn’t imagine that this was anywhere near perfect, but Simon looked happy enough.

Before he had a chance to say anything, the doorbell rang. “I’m here,” Garrett yelled, slamming the door behind him.

“You don’t say,” Bram called back, rolling his eyes.

“My brother scored some booze for us,” Garrett yelled. “Wait, your mom’s not home, is she?”

“No, but if she were, you would have been screwed.” Bram couldn’t help but laugh a little. Garrett didn’t always think before he said things out loud. It was one of the qualities Bram liked the most about him.

Bram walked out, leaving Simon to unpack by himself in the guest room. He joined Garrett in the living room. “You realize it’s just the three of us, right?” Bram asked when he saw what Garrett was pulling out of his bag. He had pulled out an entire pack of red solo cups, a big jug of some brownish liquor that was topped with a sombrero bottle topper, and a bottle with bright green liquid in it.

“My brother was very opinionated on how we should handle this. He said tequila will make people talk about anything, so he suggested we make margaritas. He said we should never drink them in public, because they’re considered a ‘girly drink’ but that they would definitely get Simon really drunk, really quickly.”

“You told your brother about him?” Bram asked. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He had told his mom some stuff, but he told her just enough to convince her to let him stay over the night before.

“I didn’t use his name. I just told him I knew someone that was going through some stuff, but he wasn’t talking about them,” Garrett explained. “He also suggested a couple of drinking games to get the ball rolling. I already filtered for the appropriate, non-strip ones.”

Bram chuckled. “Are any of us going to remember tonight?”

“Let’s hope not,” Garrett said, wagging his eyebrows. “But in all seriousness, we might have to fake some of our drinking and keep an eye on Simon to make sure he doesn’t cross that line. If I remember Halloween correctly, he’s a bit of a lightweight. We want to make sure we stay sober enough to keep him safe. I know if I were him… I’d probably do just about anything to make my feelings go away.”

Bram frowned, remembering that Simon said he probably wouldn’t tell them if he was in trouble. “You have a point,” he agreed.

They were silent until Bram’s phone vibrated in his pocket. Bram pulled it out and couldn’t help the smile that had crossed his face. Simon had just responded to his last email.

 

_Is it bad that somehow knowing that you think it’s unfair that I have to deal with all of this makes it 100% better? Seriously, I think this is what validation feels like. I kinda like that you’re worrying about me. It’s a side of you I like to see ;) God knows I can use someone to worry about me. It feels like every time I think someone cares, I ruin it._

_That kid I’m staying with? I feel like I ruined any chance of us actually being friends, because here’s the thing: it’s easy to tell you what’s going inside of my head, because I may not know who you are, but I know you. It’s the opposite with him. I know who is he but I don’t really know him._

_And like a freaking idiot, I told him that. Maybe it’s all my fault that all this is happening. Maybe I set myself up for it in a way, because I think I’m doing a pretty good job at breaking everything I touch._

_Ugh. Thanks for all that. Now I’m going to have to tell this kid I have allergies so he doesn’t think I’m a complete crybaby. But seriously Blue. A lot of shit happened because of these emails, but I wouldn’t take back a single word I sent you. I guess I’m flattered that you think I had something to do with that growth, but really that was all you. You inspire me Blue. There are times at school that I feel like a no one, but you make me feel like a somebody._

_And mostly because I feel like all of our emails have been really freaking dark, I am attaching a video of Oreos tap dancing - because if that doesn’t change the mood, what will?_

_Love, Simon_

 

Bram watched the video without sound and couldn’t help but laugh. Simon was right. It did change the mood.

 

_Where did you find that video? I don’t know whether I should laugh or be very, very scared that someone animated Oreos and made them tap dance._

_You’re right. Our emails have been kinda dark, but it’s just because you’re going through some stuff. We’ve spent so much time not talking about the big stuff like this, but if it’s something you need to talk about: just say the word._

_Let’s just agree that we inspire each other, shall we? That almost makes me blush. It’s hard to believe that I could inspire you._

_I’m just going to throw this out there one more time: I think you should tell that kid what’s going through your head. You absolutely do not break everything you touch and there’s nothing wrong with opening up to someone new. I love that you tell me this stuff, but until I am ready to come out, I can’t help you in person like someone else would be able to. I hate that. I hate that I can’t be there for you night and day. I wish I were braver like you, but I’m not and I’m so sorry for that. So if I inspire you, let me inspire you to start talking to someone in person about what’s going through your head. And don’t take that to mean that I don’t want you to keep talking to me - if you stop, you might meet really jealous Blue and neither of us wants that, do we?_

_And because I feel like you need to be reminded of this (and I kind of want an excuse to say it again): I love you so much Simon Spier. You should never let anyone make you feel like you are no one, because you are everything to me._

_Anyway, I don’t think I’ll be able to respond to you until tomorrow, but I hope you have a good night and I hope you think about what I said._

_Love, Blue_

 

After Bram pressed send, he realized that Garrett was looking at him with a weird expression. “What?” he asked defensively.

“Nothing. It’s just, I’ve never seen you blush while sending a text before,” Garrett said surprised.

Bram shrugged, not bothering to correct him and tell him it was an email. “It’s nothing.”

“Who is she?” Garrett asked.

“No one. And please drop it,” he hissed as Simon descended the stairs.

Simon raised his eyebrows when he saw the red solo cups and tequila on display. “Did I miss something?”

“My brother did an alcohol run. We figured you’ve had a bad week so we got the good stuff,” Garrett said with a shrug.

Simon looked nervous. He never really drank except for that one Halloween party and that had been a disaster. “We’ll be careful,” Bram promised. “And we’ll take it slow. We’re not going to be doing shots or anything.” Bran suddenly felt silly, as if he were too young to be talking about drinking and shots.

“That’s not what I was worried about,” Simon said surprised. “I’ve never had anything other than beer.”

“Oh, well don’t worry. It’s roughly the same level of disgusting. This will just hit you a little harder, so you shouldn’t drink it like you would a beer,” Garrett told him. “We’ve got your back tonight.”

“Thanks,” Simon muttered embarrassed.

“So, who’s hungry?” Bram asked.

Thirty minutes later they were sitting in a booth at Angelo’s Kitchen. It was a cozy diner that had dim lighting and a real homey feel to it. Simon wondered how he had never heard of it before. It was the kind of place that was right up his alley. It smelt like a homemade meal and was just warm enough to be perfectly inviting.

Simon looked at the menu. He hadn’t had much of an appetite the last couple of days and he debated just getting french fries. “Make sure you eat a big dinner,” Garrett warned. “It will help.”

Simon sighed. There went that idea. He noticed that they had an all-day breakfast menu and decided on pancakes. Once they placed their orders, Simon noticed that Bram and Garrett were whispering back and forth to each other.

“Everything alright?” Simon asked curiously.

Bram nodded. “We usually alternate between who pays,” he explained. “Garrett thinks it’s his turn, but he paid the last time we were here and… now that I say it out loud it seems like a really silly argument.”

“I could pay,” Simon offered. “It’s the least I could do after everything you’ve done for me.”

Bram just scoffed. “Tell you what. Next time you come here with us you can pay. But I’ve got tonight.”

Garrett groaned. “Fine, but only because I had to pay my brother for the booze.”

“You guys are weird,” Simon said with a small laugh.

“So Simon, tell us something we don’t know about you,” Garrett said.

Simon was quiet for a minute as he thought. “I’m gay,” Simon deadpanned.

For a split second it was silent until Garrett started laughing. He was laughing so loudly they were attracting attention from other tables. Bram smiled, but didn’t laugh and as Garrett quieted down, he studied the strange look on Simon’s face. “Is that the first time you’ve told someone since you told your family?” He asked quietly.

“It’s the first time I’ve willingly said it out loud,” Simon admitted quietly. “I told my family because I was outed so I had to, but I chose to say this. It was easier than I thought it would be.”

Bram could see from the corner of his eyes that Garrett looked confused. Bram on the other hand, knew exactly what Simon meant. He couldn’t imagine having the choice taken away from him, but he had always regarded his coming out as this really difficult experience. It had been surprising easy to come out to his parents. “And I’m sure it will get easier as you get more comfortable with it.”

Simon chuckled nervously. “I hope so. But to actually answer your question, I don’t know. Since Martin outed me, I feel like I have no secrets.”

“There must be something,” Garrett pressed.

“Nothing I can think of,” Simon said too quickly. Bram had a sneaking suspicion that the thing he was hiding was Blue.

“Why don’t we start with something easier,” Bram suggested. “You were in the play. Are you really into theater?”

“Um… I wasn’t at first,” Simon admitted. “It got me out of gym class and I’m kind of talentless which meant I was an ensemble member, so it was easy enough. But, I actually really started to like it. The other kids are really funny and we had a great time together. It was almost relaxing.”

“It’s coming up, isn’t it?” Garrett asked.

“It’s in two weeks.” Simon had a strange look in his eye.

“You don’t look all that excited for it,” Bram observed.

“Abby and Martin are both in the play,” Simon muttered. “And I blew off practice yesterday, so I haven’t really had to face anyone else yet. I used to have so much fun with it and I know it’s going to be really awkward when I go back.” Simon suddenly smiled. “Do I know how to set the mood or what?” Garrett chuckled. “I swear, my life isn’t always this depressing… only since… well, you know. It used to be really great. What about you two? What’s something no one knows about you?”

Bram frowned, trying to remember everything he ever told Simon as Blue so he wouldn’t give himself away. “Okay, I see your point. This is hard,” Garrett said as he furrowed his brow in concentration. “Okay, I got one. I want to be a doctor when I’m older.”

Bram looked at him surprised. He never knew that. He supposed he and Garrett never really talked about stuff like that.

“Wow, a doctor. That’s awesome,” Simon said with a small smile. He didn’t know much about Garrett, but he never imagined he would be interested in such a serious profession. “Why a doctor?”

“It’s funny you ask. No one, except my parents, really asks me about it,” Garrett said surprised. “Even the guidance counselors haven’t asked me why I want to be a doctor.”

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.” He actually looked guilty. As if he didn’t have a right to get to know Garrett more.

“No, it’s fine. That’s the whole point of this, right? Get to know each other better so we’re not strangers sitting at a lunch table together. I want to be an oncologist, because when I was little, my brother was diagnosed with cancer.” Bram stared at him. He had met Garrett’s older brother. Even though he was four years older than Garrett, they had always been really close. Bram had had many breakfasts with him after spending the night with Garrett. He had been given many rides in Garrett’s brother’s beat-up car. Despite that, he never knew. They had never talked about it.

“Oh, wow,” Simon said. “How old were you?”

“I was about to turn four when he was diagnosed. We lived in Philly for about four years after he got diagnosed because he was in and out of a special children’s hospital there. There were a lot of close calls, but at the end of the day, his doctors got all of us through it. I can’t say the same for the other kids in the cancer ward with him. We got really lucky, but a lot of people didn’t. He’ll have been considered cancer free for ten years in May and I dunno… I want to be the person that helps other people through stuff like that. I think everyone that knows someone with cancer should have the opportunity to say that their loved one is a survivor, not that they were a fighter to the end.”

“That actually just gave me goosebumps. I had no idea,” Simon said. He shivered. “That sounds like it was a rough time. I can’t imagine what it was like to watch your brother go through that. But I think it’s great you took such a scary experience and are using it to help others.”

“I honestly don’t remember much of it. My mom has all these stories about the horrors of hospital food and what it was like to watch him be hooked up to IVs and all. But, I was so young when we first got down there so mostly, people tried not to scare me. I remember there was this one nurse that would always sneak me pudding cups. One time, I asked my brother why he shaved his head and everyone got real uncomfortable. I didn’t really understand it until long after it was all over. I just remember knowing that something was very wrong and that if no one was talking to me about it, it must be bad.”

“That’s terrifying,” Simon said sympathetically. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all good now.” Garrett was trying and failing to look like it wasn’t a big deal.

“What was it like when you found out he was going to be okay?”

A huge smile crossed Garrett’s face. It was a real smile too. “There was a lot of crying. I’ll never forget that day. There was no fanfare, most people would never have known that we had gotten life-altering news. It was about a week after I turned 7 and we were visiting my brother. My parents went to see him almost every day, but I was in the 1st grade so I only saw him on the weekends. The doctor came in and I didn’t understand what he was saying. But then my mom started crying and my dad starting crying. And I just knew my brother was going to die. I was convinced. At that point, I didn’t know much about cancer, but I knew that it could kill him. So I started bawling about how it wasn’t fair and that the cancer couldn’t have him. My mom picked me up - I had been a really shrimpy kid - and told me that Gurgy wasn’t going anywhere. He had started responding to treatment. And I just remember thinking that I had just gotten the best birthday gift in the world. We were lucky. He was back at the hospital for testing and stuff all the time for a couple of months, but he never relapsed. About a year later, we moved back down here.”

“Gurgy?” Simon asked curiously.

“I dunno how that nickname started. His name is Greg and apparently one day he just decided he was over the name Greg and he got me to start calling him Gurgy. It stuck. To this day, I call him Gurgy.”

Simon chuckled. “Well, I’m glad he’s okay. Is he your only sibling?”

“He’s my only brother and at the time he was my only sibling. I have a six-year-old sister. When my mom found out she was pregnant, Gurgy was 15 and I was 11, so she was a surprise to all of us.”

“I’ll bet. Sisters are a handful.” Simon made a face and shook his head.

“You’re telling me! She always wants to play hairdresser!”

“Or salon,” Simon added

“Or dress up,” Garrett said. He frowned as if he had a particularly painful memory about playing dress-up.

“Tell me about it. When I was in 5th grade, Nora wanted me to dress up like Ariel from the Little Mermaid for her birthday. It was horrible, but I had to because it was her birthday.” Simon shook his head. “And she didn’t want human Ariel, she wanted mermaid Ariel so I had to wear the seashell bra and the mermaid skirt and everything. My parents took like a hundred pictures of it. I was so freaking embarrassed.”

“I think I got you beat. When my sister was three, she wanted us to match Halloween costumes because I was taking her trick or treating. I didn’t think anything of it until my mom came home with Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head costumes. You would think that she was going to be Mrs. Potato Head, right? Wrong. So there I was in broad daylight, taking my little sister trick-or-treating, dressed as a huge potato with giant purple lips and eye-shadowed eyes on my stomach.”

Simon started cracking up as Bram looked back and forth between them. “Suddenly, I wish I had a sibling.” They joked about how sisters were a handful, but it was so obvious how much they adored their sisters.

“Well your stepmom is kinda young, so be careful what you wish for,” Garrett said wiggling his eyebrows.

Bram groaned and shook his head. “Is there anything worse than thinking about your dad and stepmom having sex and procreating?”

“You could think about your mom and dad doing it,” Simon pointed out. “At least your stepmom didn’t give birth to you.”

“That’s worse. That’s much worse. Thanks for that mental image, but I think it’s time to change the subject,” Bram muttered, putting his hands over his ears. Fortunately, a distraction arrived in the form of their meals.

Simon didn’t realize how hungry he was until he started eating his pancakes. As they ate, they found it easier to talk about normal things like school and movies. It didn’t feel nearly as forced as it had earlier. Simon felt himself truly enjoying himself for the first time in weeks. Somehow, Garrett seemed so much more human than he had before which made Simon feel much more comfortable around him.

When their food came, Garrett insisted on ordering an extra plate of fries for the entire table to share. True to his word, when the time came to leave, Bram paid before they all piled back into his car.


	4. Tequila Tequila

 

Part of Simon already felt like he was drunk as they drove back to Bram’s. It was a mixture of him having found two people that didn’t completely reject him, the euphoria over Blue’s last email, and his nerves over everything else that was happening in his life. His laughs were a little louder, his smiles a little more sincere.

When they got back to Bram’s, they agreed to take it slow. They put on a movie while Garrett carefully measured out the alcohol to margarita mix ratio.

By the time the movie was over, Simon felt more relaxed than he could ever remember feeling. “Who wants to play a game?” Garrett asked.

“What kind of game?” Simon asked suspiciously.

“I was thinking something that could help us get to know each other better. Keep this going,” Garrett suggested. “Maybe never have I ever? Or my brother suggested this card game. You flip a card and guess a number. However many you are under by, you have to take that many sips of your drink and tell us that many facts about yourself. The catch is, if you guess over, you have to finish your drink. So say I pull a three and I guess that it’s a four. I’m not under, I’m over by one, so I would finish my drink and say one fact.”

“That card game sounds fun,” Bram commented. He thought it left the most opportunity for Simon to open up himself, rather than them having to push him for information.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Simon said with a worried look on his face. He wasn’t sure what he could tell them about himself, but he figured he could figure out some small things to tell them. He emptied his cup and nodded. “I’m ready.”

“It’s just a game. No need to look like we’re sacrificing you,” Bram teased. He left for a minute and returned with a deck of cards. “So, who starts?”

“We could each pick a card and whoever has the highest goes first,” Garrett suggested.

So they did. Bram drew an ace, Garrett a three, and Simon a queen which led to a spirited debate about whether they were counting aces high or low. Garrett and Bram teamed up against Simon and it was decided that aces would be low throughout the game.

Simon drew a card and frowned. “Six,” he guessed. He flipped it over and sighed in relief when he saw a seven. “One under, so one fun fact. I have a dog named Bieber.” He took a small sip of his drink.

“Wow. Don’t overshare,” Bram said rolling his eyes.

“You should have set parameters for the fun facts if you wanted something different. Garrett, it’s your turn.”

Garrett drew a card. “Two,” he guessed. He flipped the card and it was a seven. “Man, did you even shuffle these?”

Bram just grinned. “Five facts.”

Garrett looked like he was concentrating pretty hard for a minute. He took his five sips slowly and when he finished, he put his drink aside. “Okay, got it. My favorite color is a mix between blue and green.” Bram watched Simon perk up a little at that and internally groaned. He did not need Simon to think Garrett was Blue. Simon was suddenly studying Garrett as if he had never seen him before. Bram frowned. He was confident that Blue had told Simon he was an only child, so Simon should have known he wasn’t Garrett. Bram remembered that he had thought several guys that talked to him had been Jacques before he found out it was Simon, so he guessed he could understand where Simon was coming from. “I am not allowed to own pets because when I was little I thought my goldfish looked a little wet, so I put him on a little raft so he could dry off. I know how to walk in high heels, courtesy of my little sister. I hate reading, especially the crappy books they give us in English class.” Bram almost smiled at the instant look of disappointment on Simon’s face. At least he knew it wasn’t Garrett. “And one more… I just had it. Oh, I’m allergic to shellfish.”

“I can’t believe you killed your goldfish man. That’s just cruel,” Bram said as he drew a card.

“I was really young!” Garrett protested. “Like three or four. And in defense of me, my brother didn’t try to stop me. And we shared a room until we moved to Philly, so he definitely knew what I was doing.”

“Sure, blame sweet, innocent Gurgy,” Simon teased.

Garrett lightly threw a pillow at Simon, who threw it towards Bram, who threw it right back to Garrett. Garrett caught it with one hand and put it next to him. “Now that we had our little pillow fight, I think you need to make a guess,” Garrett said as he turned to Bram. Garrett was still shaking a little as he tried to stop laughing.

Bram sighed. “Fine. I think it’s a three.” He flipped it and it was a two.

“Chug it!” Garrett chanted. After a moment, Simon joined him and they didn’t stop until Bram’s cup was empty. “One fact!”

Maybe because he was feeling the alcohol or maybe because part of him wanted Simon to know, but Bram decided his fun fact should be: “I’m part Jewish.”

Simon reached for a card. He didn’t seem to think anything of that. With how quickly he seemed to think Garrett could be Blue, that kind of disappointed him. Bram decided Simon got a pass with everything that was going on. “Four,” he said confidently. He frowned when he pulled an ace. “You’ve gotta be freaking kidding me.” He looked at his nearly full cup for a solid ten seconds before he started to drink from it. It didn’t take him long to drain it and he shuddered when he finished. “I think I just drank poison. Okay, so that’s three facts?”

“Yep,” Bram said.

“I love Harry Potter. I listen to kind of cynical and sad music. And thanks to my little sister, I will eat just about anything.”

“Why thanks to your little sister?” Garrett asked curiously.

“She wants to be a chef, so she’s always inventing meals. I’ve become one of her test subjects. After eating one of her failed experiments involving fish in a creamy sauce, I can pretty much stomach anything.” Simon was smiling as if he were remembering something from long ago.

“Your sister sounds cool,” Bram said as he reached for a card. “Five.” He flipped it over. “Woo! It’s a five.”

“No,” Garrett said, putting his head in his hand. “That means Simon and I need to take a shot.”

“You’ve got to be freaking kidding me,” Simon said. But Garrett was already pouring. “You’re supposed to do something with salt and a lime, but I can’t remember what it is, so… just don’t throw up.” He handed Simon the shot. “1… 2… 3…”

They took their shots and Simon coughed several times, his throat feeling weirdly dry considering he just drank something. “That may be the most unpleasant thing I’ve ever put in my body and I once ate the mystery meat in the cafeteria.”

Garrett rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t that bad.” But his voice sounded a little raspy, so Simon wasn’t quite sure he believed him. “I guess it’s my turn.” He drew a card. “I think we’ve had all low cards, so I’m going to go a little higher. Eight.” He flipped the card and revealed an eight.

Simon stared at the card, his mouth slightly agape. “Are you two looking at the cards or something?” But Garrett was staring at the card with the same look of shock Simon was, so he knew they weren’t actually cheating. He wrinkled his nose as Garrett poured him and Bram shots. Simon braced himself and took it. It didn’t hurt nearly as much as the other one.

In fact, Simon mused as his brain began to feel a little fuzzy, it almost felt nice. “I guess it’s my turn.” He glanced down at his empty cup. “I need more.”

Garrett took his cup and looked like he was studying Simon for a second. “I think you can handle it, but I do think we may have to come up with an alternative if any of us guess right. We don’t want you getting sick tonight and those two shots are gonna hit you soon.”

Simon frowned. He didn’t feel too drunk, but he did chug his drink and take two shots in the matter of a couple of minutes, so Garrett wasn’t wrong when he said the alcohol would hit him soon. “You’re probably right.”

When Garrett returned with his drink, Simon pulled a card. “Three,” he guessed. He grinned when he pulled a five and took two big sips. “Um… let’s see… I don’t really like to play video games and I love Waffle House.”

They continued like that for a couple of minutes. “I have to go to the bathroom,” Simon muttered quietly. He got to his feet and felt like the alcohol chose that exact moment to crash down on him. He wobbled on his feet as the room lurched unpleasantly. “Woah!” After a moment, the spinning stopped and the room didn’t look like it was intentionally moving to try and make him fall.

Bram was instantly on his feet. “Careful there,” he cautioned. “Come on, I’ll help you get to the bathroom. I think we can safely say this game is over.”

“Okay,” Simon said. His eyes felt heavy, but not in a way that made him want to go to sleep. When he got to the bathroom, he chuckled to himself. This was the first floor bathroom, a room he hadn’t been in since Halloween.

“What’s so funny?” Bram asked.

“The last time I used this bathroom, I thought you were Blue,” Simon told him. “Barrack I am Jacques. That’s what I practiced saying in here.”

“You thought I was Blue?” Bram asked surprised. He realized that he probably wouldn’t have immediately recognized who Blue was if he had only known about him from the emails, so he played dumb. “The guy in those emails?”

“Until I saw you making out with some random girl, yeah.” A worried look suddenly crossed his face. “I’m sorry. I hope you don’t think that’s weird. I definitely don’t think you’re gay anymore. And it was only because you told me you liked Halloween Oreos, so it wasn’t even like I thought you looked or acted gay.” Bram was surprised by the defensive tone of Simon’s voice. He really, really though Bram was straight.

Bram couldn’t help but stare. Garrett wasn’t kidding when he said tequila would make Simon open up. Bram was feeling some of the effects of that. In that moment, he really wanted to tell Simon he was Blue, but Simon suddenly pushed off Bram and ran into the bathroom.

Bram sat down in the hallway while he waited for Simon. He needed to be careful. He was nowhere near as drunk as Simon; however, that didn’t mean he wasn’t drunk. He could end up revealing too much to Garrett or Simon. Bram frowned. He didn’t really want to tell Simon, but he didn’t think it was just the alcohol that made him think that telling Garrett might not be such a bad idea.

Simon was in the bathroom for a long time before Bram knocked. When he didn’t get an answer, he tentatively opened the door and saw Simon sitting on the toilet with the lid down. He looked like he was at war with himself.

“Everything alright in here?” Bram asked cautiously.

“Oh, yeah,” Simon said. Bram didn’t realize Simon had been crying until he hastily used his t-shirt to dry his eyes. “Sorry. I didn’t realize how long I’d been in here.” His words were a little slurred and he had Nora’s note crumpled in his hand.

“What does it say?” Bram asked curiously.

“That she wishes I were home, because she misses me. She says it’s not the same without me and that she’s sure my dad didn’t mean what he said. And that she keeps making me a plate at breakfast and dinner in the hopes that I’ll come home.”

“Wow. She has mastered the guilt trip, hasn’t she?” Bram asked.

“She said my mom’s really upset about it. She’s walked in on her crying a few times. Nothing from my dad yet, but…”

“You miss your mom,” Bram finished.

Simon just nodded and looked like he was on the verge of tears. “I hate that this is hurting her, but with school and my dad… He hasn’t tried to reach out or anything and… More than anything I’m scared he’ll confirm that he doesn’t approve of me.”

Bram pulled a small paper cup from the vanity and filled it with water. He waited until Simon drank it, refilled it, and then asked Simon his question. “Why don’t you invite your mom and sister to breakfast. Just the two of them?” Bram asked. “Garrett and I can come too so it won’t be so awkward.”

Simon noticeably brightened up. “I should invite her right now.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and Bram immediately grabbed it from his hands. Simon looked like he wasn’t nearly as drunk as he had appeared when he first got up to go to the bathroom, but Bram wasn’t about to let him call or text his mom.

“You should do nothing until you are sober,” he warned. “Believe me. The last person you want to talk to is your mom.”

Simon frowned, but nodded. “Fine,” he said. He climbed to his feet. “I’m ready to play some more.”

Before Bram could say anything, Simon was out the door and on his way back to the living room.

“I was wondering if you fell in,” Garrett said to Simon as Bram walked in. “You were gone over 30 minutes.”

Bram glanced at the clock on the wall and was surprised to see that it was almost midnight. “Who would've guessed? Garrett, what was that game you said you wanted to play?”

“Nice segue,” Garrett said sarcastically. “I figured we could play the same game, just instead of fun facts, we have to answer that many questions. How are you feeling? Is it time to cut you off?”

Bram frowned. “He’s better than when he went in the bathroom… One more drink and no shots.”

“I’m right here. And I feel fine,” Simon told them. He did look better. He wasn’t wavering on his feet and his voice wasn’t nearly as slurred. But the flush in is cheeks and vacant look in his eyes gave him away.

“One drink,” Bram asserted. “That goes for all of us.”

“Oh, come on mom,” Garrett pretended to whine.

Bram just rolled his eyes. “Or we could not play at all.”

“You really do sound like my mom.” Garrett twisted his face into a mask of mock horror. Bram glared at him. “Okay, okay. One more drink each.”

Garrett poured them all drinks in the kitchen and Bram had a feeling that Simon’s was a little stronger than his or Garretts. Garrett had been really particular about which cup he gave to Simon. He had actually hesitated and looked for something that apparently only he could see before he passed it over.

“I’ll go first,” Simon said. He pulled a card. “Four,” he guessed. He frowned when he pulled a king. “Nine?”

“Nine,” Garrett confirmed.

Bram didn’t think he was imagining that Simon’s sips were bigger this time. Around seven, Simon drained the rest of his cup. He closed his eyes. “Ask away.”

Simon and Garrett rapid-fired questions and answers.

“One. Favorite food.”

“Oreos,” Simon answered without hesitation.

“Two. Favorite color.”

“Blue,” Simon said with a slight blush.

“Why did that make you blush?” Garrett asked.

“That counts as a question,” Simon warned. He was quiet for a long time. “My penpal goes by Blue.”

“Four. Do you still talk to him?” Garrett asked.

“I do. I thought he was going to ignore me or end things, but… he’s been great.” Simon had a small smile on his face that Bram couldn’t look away from.

“Do you love him?” Bram asked. He couldn’t help himself. Simon had told him he loved him via email, but he needed to hear it in real life.

Simon looked down at the floor, his face a deep red. “I know it sounds silly, since I don’t know who he is or what he looks like, but I do. I’m in love with him. He’s the one person I feel like I can tell anything to.” Simon felt a little guilty, but he pushed that aside. Bram was grateful Simon wasn’t looking at him, because he was pretty sure his red face would have given him away in a heartbeat. It was so much different hearing it in person than seeing it in an email. It was like comparing a small molehill to Mount Everest. Bram hadn’t known he could feel this way. He kept his mouth resolutely closed, because he was afraid if he opened it, all the feelings inside of him would come out in the form of a weird squeal.

“Five,” Garrett started to say.

“Six,” Simon corrected. “Bram asked a question.

“Six then. What’s going on with you and all your old friends? I can’t imagine they’re this upset about you being gay,” Garrett pointed out.

Simon sighed. He rubbed his eyes for a moment. “Martin was the one that posted my emails. He had been blackmailing me for months. I ended up lying to them and messing with their love lives because I was trying to protect my secret and keep Blue from being unintentionally outed. I knew… well I thought if our emails were leaked that he would disappear. He’s a pretty private guy.”

“It couldn’t have been that bad to warrant this. I mean, they didn’t even step in when…” Garrett quickly cut himself off when he saw the pained expression on his face. “But you already knew that.”

“I don’t think they’re ever going to forgive me,” Simon said. He tried to look like he didn’t care, but the tequila really hit him in that moment and it looked like it took all of his strength not to cry. “I told Nick that Abby had a college boyfriend so he wouldn’t try anything with her because Martin wanted to date her. When they got together over New Years, they realized what I had done and were understandably pissed.”

“Seven. And Leah?” Garrett asked.

“I tried to set her up with Nick. I really thought she liked him, but… it was me she liked. She told me…” His eyes squinted as if he were trying to remember something. “She said I was cruel and that I set her up to have her heart broken.” Simon shrugged. “I really can’t blame any of them.”

“Like hell you can’t,” Garrett said looking angry. “You were being blackmailed. You totally get a pass. They do not get a pass. When your friend is in need, you don’t abandon them.”

“It’s what I did,” Simon said with a shrug. “Nick and Abby both needed me and I turned my back on them. I knew she didn’t like Martin, but I still got in between them.”

Bram bit his lip. “Switch places. Would you forgive a friend that may have knowingly hurt you while trying to protect themselves after you saw what not protecting themselves did?”

Simon looked at him confused. “What?” he asked.

“If you were in their position and you saw what you are…” Bram stopped when he saw the confused look on Simon’s face. “Garrett, help me out.”

“If you were angry at a friend, but then something really bad was happening to them, would you forgive them?” Garrett asked bluntly. “And this does not count as a question.”

Simon frowned. “I don’t know. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t completely ignore them, but I can’t be sure. It’s never happened that way.”

“That’s not true,” Bram said.

“What?” Simon asked confused.

“You told me yesterday. You were angry with Martin for taking screenshots of your emails and blackmailing you, but when Abby rejected him, you tried to reach out to him to see how he was doing.”

“I was just worried he would do exactly what he did,” Simon contradicted. Bram raised his eyebrows at Simon. “Okay, so I was also worried about him, but…”

“No buts,” Bram interrupted. “You’re allowed to be angry with them. They’re doing something really shitty.”

Simon stared. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say ‘shit’ before.”

“That’s how you know I mean it.” Bram’s gaze did not waver as he stared Simon down.

“Eight. Don’t you think you’d feel so much better if you let out a scream?” Garrett asked. Simon looked at him like he was crazy. Garrett put his still full drink aside and stood up. “Come on.” Simon reluctantly got to his feet. He stumbled a little as he stood, but seemed steady enough once he was up. “Arms out.” Garrett stretched his arms out wide and waited until Simon imitated the movement. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”

Simon shifted nervously. “Ah,” he practically whispered.

“Are you friggin’ kidding me Spier? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Bram help me out here.”

Maybe it was the tequila, but at Garrett’s prompting, Bram got to his feet. He spread his arms and screamed at the top of his lungs, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” He suddenly felt so free, as if screaming had lifted a weight off his chest, a weight he hadn’t realized was there.

Simon laughed. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

“Louder!” Garrett said.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!” They all screamed several times until they started laughing. Simon’s smile actually reached his eyes. “Okay, I’ll give you that one. That helped.”

“Great. Now that you’re in a good mood. Nine. What happened before lunch today?”

Simon’s face went from carefree to terrified in less than a second. “That’s one hell of a transition. Let’s just say I crossed paths with the wrong people. I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Someone did that to you?” Garrett asked shocked. He had had his suspicions, but it was different to have them confirmed.

Simon got a weirdly resolute look on his face. “You’re out of questions. And I think I’m getting sleepy. I’m going to go change.”

Without another word, he practically ran up the stairs towards the guest room.


	5. Confessions

 

Garrett sighed. “Well, I guess we know more than we did yesterday.”

Bram fidgetted. The idea of telling Garrett hadn’t left him yet and this seemed like the opportune moment to come out to him. The words were impossible to get out. _I’m gay_. Two little words that would change his whole world. “I don’t really know anything new,” he whispered. He had actually learned more about Garrett that day than he had about Simon.

“Did Simon tell you all that stuff yesterday?” Garrett asked curiously. Bram had given him the cliffnotes version of their talk yesterday so he wouldn’t be surprised if he had left out some of those things.

“Not exactly.” Bram suddenly felt nauseated. “Here’s the thing. I know almost everything there is to know about Simon, because… I’m in love with him.”

Garrett stared at him for several minutes. He took a deep breath. “Tell me more.” His voice was gentle and quiet. It gave Bram hope.

“I’m gay. I’ve known for almost five years. And… I’ve been talking to Simon under the pseudonym Blue for over six months. He has no idea it’s me.”

Garrett nodded. “That’s a lot to take in…” He pursed his lips for a moment. “I am grateful that you decided to tell me that you are gay. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision, especially with everything happening with Simon and I recognize that it must have taken a lot. This doesn’t change anything. You’re still my best friend.” His speech almost sounded rehearsed and Bram wondered if Garrett had known or at least suspected that he was gay. Garrett spoke before Bram could ask him. “Why don’t you want Simon to know?”

“Because I’m selfish. I think I am ready for him to know, but I’m not ready for the school to know.” Bram ducked his head. He hated that he wasn’t stronger.

“Why does it have to be both? Why can’t Simon know and not the school?” Garrett asked. He didn’t sound like he was belittling Bram, more so like he really wanted to understand.

“Because I won’t be able to hide it from the school if I’m not hiding it from him. Right now, I’m not obvious because he doesn’t know, but once he does… it would be impossible.”

Garrett nodded. He was frowning slightly and looked like he was carefully considering his next words. He knew this was a delicate situation and he wanted to address it correctly. “I don’t want to pressure you, but… I think it would be good for both of you to have someone to go through this with. Spier thinks he’s all alone and you can see what it’s doing to him. It seems like one misstep could really push him over the edge. I’m sure you’re doing everything you can as Blue and as Bram, but…”

“I know,” Bram groaned. “I would be able to do so much more if Simon knew. I just… I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Garrett nodded. “Okay. Well, if you ever need to talk, I’m here.”

Just then, Bram felt his phone vibrate. He pulled out his phone and saw it was a message from Simon. He hesitated only a moment before he opened it.

 

_I don’t know what to tell you Blue. The internet is a scary place full of the most amazing (and sometimes concerning) videos._

_I don’t think I can even explain how much I needed your email. Every time you say you love me, everything seems like it’s going to be okay. And it makes me feel less stupid for loving you so much even though I have no idea what your name is._

_Here’s the thing. I have to tell you something and I don’t know how you’ll take it. I told some people about you. None of the personal stuff, but we were playing this drinking game. They asked me about you and I don’t know… I blame the tequila. But I told them I love you and honestly, it felt great to say it out loud. I want to be able to tell everyone that I love you. I want to know who you are._

_I know you’re not ready and I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret, but why can’t I know who you are? I wouldn’t tell anyone. We could completely avoid each other at school. Heck, I’ll pretend to hate you at school if that will help. I don’t mind being your secret and you being mine, but I need you. I didn’t realize it until tonight. I was going to tell these two guys about how I was feeling and I realized that it didn’t feel right. If Nick or Leah or Abby were still talking to me, I wouldn’t be telling them about this either. I want you to be the person that knows all this stuff about me. I want you to be the person that I can go to for advice. It doesn’t feel right any other way._

_And I have to be honest with you. I don’t have a friend - well I actually think I do potentially have two new friends, but the one I mentioned that got beat up at school? It wasn’t a friend. It was me. I didn’t want you to think I was weak, but I really love you and I feel like it was a lie. So I’m coming clean._

_I really hope you’re not angry and that you don’t hate me now. I know you said you’re not going to see this until tomorrow, but I hope when you do see it that you will really think about meeting me and letting me know who you are. Sleep tight._

_Love, Simon_

 

Bram frowned. “It’s Simon,” he muttered.

“That’s a pretty long text. Does he need our help with something?”

“Um… no. He didn’t send this to me. He sent it to Blue.”

“Oh.” Garrett was silent. Then, “What did he say?”

“Almost exactly what you said about telling him, but not the school. He’s never going to tell us what’s happening at school. He’ll only tell Blue.” Bram flopped down against the couch. He knew he wasn’t going to respond tonight. “I’m going to go check on him. I can’t think about this right now.”

It took Bram nearly an hour and a promise to avoid the topic of school to get Simon back down to the living room. None of them could sleep. They kept waiting for the alcohol to make them tired, but it didn’t happen. They sat around talking about the little things, teasing one another, and learning strange facts about each other. They learned that Garrett could pick things up with his toes when he didn’t want to reach for a blanket and managed to grab it and pull it towards him. He also did this with the remote and with his red solo cup (fortunately that was empty prior to his attempt or they would have had quite the mess to clean up). They learned that Simon can really sing when he wants to when he was able to belt out the opening number to Cabaret without blinking an eye. And Bram, they learned, loves ice cream so much that he proclaimed that ice cream was better than anything else in the world. This sparked a heated argument between him and Simon over whether Oreos or ice cream were better. Bram won when he pointed out there was Oreo flavored ice cream, but not ice cream flavored Oreos. It wasn’t until after 4am that they managed to succumb to sleep.

Bram woke up at around ten and could hear Simon whispering into his phone. He pushed himself up into a seated position and realized Simon was standing in the doorway, facing towards his backyard. He was surprised Simon was awake and functional. Bram felt like he could fall right back asleep. Garrett was still snoring to his left. “Yeah, everything is fine here. Mrs. Greenfeld is being really nice about this whole thing.” There was a long pause. “You know that I would love to come home, but…” There was another pause. Bram realized he must be talking to his mom or his sister. “Well if that’s true, why hasn’t he tried to reach out yet? Why are you the one calling me?” Bram frowned, wondering if he should get Simon’s attention to let him know he was awake. This certainly didn’t seem like the kind of conversation he should be listening into. “Is that what you would tell your patients?” Simon’s voice was suddenly angry. So, it was his mom. He had told Bram and Garrett that she was a therapist. “Would you tell them to let go of years of hearing jokes like that? Years of being terrified that there were legitimate feelings behind those jokes just to have it confirmed on Christmas? You wouldn’t. I’m not going to be the bigger person here, because I shouldn’t have to be. I am his child and if he wants me to come home, he needs to be the one that reaches out.”

Simon turned around. He looked surprised to see Bram was awake, but he didn’t look upset about it. _Are you okay?_ Bram mouthed.

Simon just shook his head. “I miss you too. And Nora. And… I would love to see you, but I can’t face dad, not yet. How would you and Nora like to get some lunch today? Just you and Nora.” Simon frowned. “I understand.” He closed his eyes for a moment before a small smile settled on his face. “Tomorrow?” Simon raised his eyebrows at Bram who nodded eagerly. “Yeah, we can do that. Bram will come too. Does noon work for you?” Simon turned bright red. “I’m not having that conversation… no, of course not. Mom, not every…” He cut himself off and glanced at Bram. “No, just no. And please do not ask me that tomorrow. There’s no one. Okay. Yeah, okay. I love you too. Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow. Okay. Yeah. Mmhmm. Okay, I really have to go. Yes, I will definitely see you tomorrow. Okay mom. Bye.”

Simon hung up and rubbed his temples. “That seemed… interesting?” Bram observed.

“My mom is something else. Wait until you meet her tomorrow,” Simon said rolling his eyes.

“So we’re doing lunch with your mom and your sister.” Bram felt like he should be nervous or uncomfortable, but he was kind of excited. Part of him figured he would inevitably be meeting Simon’s family, because he had every intention of being involved with Simon at some point. He remembered Simon’s last email and considered telling him, but then Garrett stirred.

“You two are noisy,” he complained as he rubbed sleep from his eyes.

“Look who’s talking. You sound like a lawnmower when you sleep,” Simon teased.

“I do not snore!” Garrett tried to look offended.

Bram couldn’t help himself as he started to laugh. “I have to agree with Simon on this one. You are pretty loud.”

Garrett rolled his eyes, but let it drop. “So, what’s for breakfast?” He asked good naturedly.

“Oh, your mom came in a couple of hours ago. She said she had a really bad shift and she was going right to bed, but that you should expect breakfast for dinner tonight,” Simon told Bram.

“How long have you been up?” Bram asked curiously.

“A couple of hours,” Simon said with a shrug. “I heard your mom come in and I couldn’t fall back asleep.”

Bram briefly wondered what Simon had been doing in those few hours. He had this mental image of Simon looking out the big window in the living room while he listened to deep and moving music and thought about life. It was the Simon he imagined he was talking to in his emails and a Simon he desperately wanted to meet.

“Okay. So I think we have cereal…” Bram looked at Garrett and couldn’t help but chuckle. He was making a face like cereal was the most disgusting breakfast food in the world. “Or we could go out.”

“Yeah, let’s do that. I’ve wanted pancakes since Spier got them last night.”

“We should go to Waffle House,” Simon suggested. “They have the best chocolate chip waffles.”

“I could go for some waffles,” Bram agreed.

“Did no one hear me say pancakes?” Garrett asked looking between them.

“Mmmm, they also have hashbrowns that are the perfect level of crisp. They’re so good, Nora’s even tried to recreate them,” Simon had an almost dreamy look on his face.

Bram chuckled. “I don’t know that I’ve ever paid attention to the crispiness of their hashbrowns before.”

“Pancakes?” Garrett said again. He had a slightly pained look on his face.

“They also have this pecan butter that goes great with all of their waffles. And whipped cream. So, I think we’ve decided on Waffle House.”

“It sounds like it,” Bram said with a chuckle.

“It’s great to know people hear me when I speak,” Garrett muttered. He wasn’t really angry. He actually thought the way Simon and Bram talked to each other was kind of sweet, though he would never admit that out loud. It was like they thought were the only two people in the room. “Hey guys. Remember me? Guy that wants pancakes?” He stepped in between them and almost laughed at the surprised look on their faces. “Do you know what’s great about Angelo’s? They have both pancakes and waffles.”

“We just ate there last night,” Simon pointed out.

“So? Angelo’s is the epitome of fine cuisine. I could happily eat every meal of every day there, but alas I’m not that lucky,” Garrett said. He sighed dramatically.

“I think you should’ve tried out for the play, because you clearly have a thing for theatrics,” Simon deadpanned.

They laughed for a while, each sending jabs at the other. But, it was decided that they would go to Angelo’s. As they sat in a booth at Angelo’s, Simon couldn’t help but marvel at how different things were with Garrett and Bram. It wasn’t a bad different; he almost felt at ease with them. They didn’t make him feel like he was suffocating or like he needed to be anyone but him. It was a nice change, especially after all the time he had spent hiding who he was from his friends.

Simon chewed on his lip for a moment. The very last thing he wanted to do was cause them to worry about him, but he also felt like if anyone could help him through this, it was them.

“I need to talk to you two about something,” Simon said abruptly mid conversation. He was suddenly filled with an intense desire to tell them the truth about what’s been happening at school. The truth he couldn’t even tell Blue. He pushed aside that urge, knowing he couldn’t tell them, but he could ask a favor of them. Simon hoped they would understand. Garrett and Bram were completely silent when they saw the troubled look on Simon’s face. They didn’t dare say anything in case it would make Simon change his mind. “You asked me about Blue yesterday and I told you he’s the one person I can tell everything to, but that’s not true… I’m keeping something kind of big from him. I’m not… I can’t tell you everything, but I feel like I can trust you.” Simon cut himself off and took a deep breath. “I… I don’t feel safe. I really can’t tell you why and I hope you won’t try to ask. I know I don’t have a right to ask this of you, but I could really use your help. I just… I need you to have my back.”

Bram frowned. He wondered what was so bad that Simon couldn’t tell him. He specifically said he couldn’t tell Blue, which made Bram worry more than anything else. “We’re here for you,” Bram said without a second thought.

Garrett didn’t say anything for a long time. “I know you won’t talk about it, but we… I need to know what I’m walking into. I want to have your back, but I can’t know what that means without some more information.”

Simon sighed. “I don’t know what to tell you, because I don’t really know myself. I just… I need to be alone as little as possible.”

“Is it Spencer and Aaron?” Garrett asked. He and Bram both speculated that they were responsible for Simon’s bloody nose and limp, but they had thought that was the end of it.

An uncomfortable look crossed Simon’s face, but he didn’t respond. Bram could feel him shutting down. “It doesn’t matter. We’ll do what we can so long as you tell us what you can. If you need us to shepherd you to your classes at school… we’ll make it work.”

Simon still had a weird look on his face, but he nodded. “Thanks,” he whispered.

Garrett and Bram made a couple of attempts to draw him into a different conversation after that, but nothing got him to relax.

When Simon went to the bathroom, Bram leaned towards Garrett. “He doesn’t feel safe. I know Spencer and Aaron have given him trouble, but for him to feel unsafe? What could do that?”

“I don’t know, but you saw the look on his face as well as I did. He was scared to even tell us he needed help.” Garrett frowned. “I think this is bigger than we can wrap our head around.”

Bram nodded. “Do you get the idea we just agreed to something we might regret?”

“Absolutely. But, without more information, we can’t do anything to help him,” Garrett frowned. “I just wish I knew what we were on the lookout for... And man, that cafeteria food. I’m pretty sure it’s poison. You need to start taking your own lunch or it’s going to impact your soccer skills.”

Bram was about to ask what he was doing when Simon scooted into the booth across from him. “I mean it might give you food poisoning, but I don’t think it will actually hurt how you play soccer,” Simon pointed out. “Then again I am not, and never plan on being, an athlete.”

This launched a spirited conversation about the cafeteria food and how the school budget doesn’t allow for edible meals. While on the outside, Bram thought he looked calm and collected, he was a jumble of nerves on the inside. What Simon had said about not feeling safe unsettled him and was made so much worse when Simon said he couldn’t even tell Blue.

Bram was almost grateful when they finished their meal and he had driving to distract him from his crazy thoughts. Garrett went home shortly after that.

A couple of hours later, Simon and Bram were sprawled across the guest room doing their homework… well, Simon was doing homework. Bram was playing with his pencil and pretending that there was any use in him doing his Algebra homework.

When he couldn’t take it anymore, he pushed himself into a seated position. “What did you mean when you said you didn’t feel safe?” Bram asked.

Simon froze. “I told you before…”

“You can’t tell us. I know, I know. I just…” Bram chewed on his lip. “If someone’s threatening you, you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone. Not even Garrett if you don’t want him to know. But, I’m worried about you. I know that we only started talking and hanging out a couple of days ago, but I’ve never seen you like this before. There are some things that people can’t go through alone and that’s okay. I’m willing to help you in any way that I can.”

Simon was quiet for a long time and Bram began to think he wasn’t going to say anything else. “I don’t know if it’s actually something. I just have a gut feeling that it’s real,” he said quietly.

“That what’s real?” Bram asked.

“I got a note in my locker yesterday morning,” Simon said. He got up and walked over to his bag and pulled out a crumpled up piece of paper. He handed it to Bram.

 

_Fag. You better “straighten” yourself out or we’ll do it for you._

 

It was tiny print in the middle of an entire sheet of paper. Underneath the writing, there was a crude drawing of a tombstone with Simon’s name on it. There was a naked man standing next to the tombstone and the little speech bubble only made the message of the drawing worse. Bram felt like it should have been made out of letters cut out of a magazine. He couldn’t blame Simon for being terrified. The letter was a threat if there ever had been one.

“And you don’t know who put this in your locker?”

“I asked Spencer and Aaron about it after our meeting with Mr. Worth, but they claimed to have no idea what I was talking about.”

“That didn’t stop them, did it?” Bram asked. He didn’t want to push Simon too hard, but he also wanted to take advantage of the fact that he had opened up a little. He guessed that this is what adults meant when they said if they give an inch, kids push a mile.

“No, but I really don’t think that had anything to do with me being gay. They were pissed because they thought I told Mr. Worth about our fight. I mean they told me I snitched on them because I was turned on by their performance, but I don’t think they meant it.” Simon frowned.

“What did they do?”

“It didn’t need to be as bad as it was. I… I fed into it and tried to fight back. I didn’t stand a chance,” Simon explained.

“What did they do?” Bram repeated.

“They just pushed me around a bit. Look. I know you have questions and I don’t blame you. I’m just so freaking tired of thinking about it,” Simon told him.

“It does sound stressful,” Bram observed. “And I promise this is my last question. If you don’t think they’ll give you anymore problems, then who do you think wrote this note?”

“I don’t know. I’ve gotten a lot of attention about this, most of it bad. It could be about half of our school. Take your pick.”

Bram nodded with a small frown on his face. “Thank you for telling me.” He turned back to his algebra, but if he had trouble focusing before, it was really a lost cause after their conversation.

“It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be,” Simon said after a couple of minutes.

“Huh?” Bram asked confused.

“Telling you. I thought it was going to be this really difficult conversation, but it wasn’t that bad. Thanks for that.”

“Anytime,” Bram promised. They fell into a comfortable silence after that. It wasn’t interrupted until his mom called them down for dinner.

Once they finished, Bram’s mom turned to him. “Bram, can you help me with the dishes?” She asked.

Bram resisted the urge to groan. That was her code for she wanted to talk to him privately. “I can help Mrs. Greenfeld,” Simon told her. “It’s the least I can do.”

“Not at all. You’re our guest. You should just make yourself comfortable,” Bram’s mother said sweetly. If Simon thought it was odd that she hadn’t protested him helping with the dishes the day before, he didn’t say anything.

Bram reluctantly followed his mom into the kitchen. “So?” He asked when she didn’t immediately launch into whatever talk she was planning.

“I can’t help but notice that you and Simon seemed awfully chummy at dinner,” she observed.

“That happens when you spend several days with someone. I didn’t really know him before all this happened.” Bram looked at her confused.

“Look, if the two of you are… romantically involved, that’s fine. But we’ll need to set some parameters about what is and isn’t appropriate,” she warned.

“Mom, he doesn’t know I’m gay,” Bram said. He instantly turned back to the door as if he expected Simon to burst through and demand to know why Bram never told him he’s gay. “There’s nothing between us.”

Bram wondered if his mom could hear the lie in his voice. There was definitely something between them, he just wasn’t sure exactly what that was.

He got his answer a moment later when she raised her eyebrows at him. “Abraham,” she warned.

Bram practically cringed. He hated his full name more than anything and she knew that. “Mom, I swear. We’re not dating or anything like that. He thinks I’m straight and I don’t plan on telling him the truth yet.”

His mom’s face softened. “You like him.”

Bram turned bright red. “Mom! Oh my God. I’m not talking about my love life, or lack thereof, with my mother.”

“Suit yourself. But if we need to have the safe sex talk again, let me know.”

“I don’t think I will ever forget the nightmare that was that talk, so you will not have to repeat it.” Bram closed his eyes and wished desperately for that talk to be erased from his brain. No luck.

When he opened his eyes, his mom was smiling. “I think the two of you would make a very cute couple.”

“This conversation is over,” Bram said. Bram took a minute to let his embarrassment wear off before he left the kitchen. He would have stormed out, but Simon thought they were just doing dishes and it might be suspicious if he looked as frazzled as he felt when he left.


	6. Waiting for Friday

 

Bram found himself falling deeper and deeper into love with Simon. It was so different being able to know him in person rather than exclusively via email. After Simon opened up to him about the note he had received, Bram felt like something changed between them. There wasn’t nearly as much tension and they were able to effortlessly tease each other. They stayed up all night despite their lack of sleep the night before. Every time they tried to sleep, Simon started tossing and turning. He was so nervous to meet with his mom and sister the next day and Bram couldn’t sleep knowing how anxious Simon was. In that time, Bram learned more about Simon than he ever could have as Blue.

He learned that Simon will frown and look like he’s concentrating on a complicated Algebra problem when he’s trying to swallow his yawn. He learned that Simon taps his foot when he’s nervous. He learned that Simon will gently tap a pen against his head just to pass the time. He learned that Simon was funny, but not in a mean way. Bram loved everything he learned about Simon. Even more than that, he loved how much more there was to learn about him. He couldn’t wait for the opportunity for him to learn everything there was to learn about Simon and for Simon to start learning that same stuff about him. On nearly ten different occasions, Bram nearly told Simon who he was. He chickened out at the last minute every time, but he knew he wasn’t going to be able to wait much longer. He so badly wanted Simon to know who he was and every second they spent together made him more and more comfortable with the idea of coming out to the world.

When the next afternoon rolled around, Simon looked like he was going to throw up and Bram felt so guilty that he was forcing Simon to go through this alone. They were sitting in Bram’s car outside Waffle House. They could see Nora and Simon’s mom in a booth on the opposite side of a huge window, but Simon was still gathering his nerves.

“Okay,” he said after a minute. “I can do this. It won’t be weird. It will be fine.”

“Everything will be okay,” Bram promised. He wasn’t entirely sure if he meant his words, but he didn’t think it showed. “I’ll be right…” he glanced back at where Nora was sitting across from Simon’s mom, leaving a seat open on either side. “Across from you the whole time.”

Simon took a deep breath and nodded. He got out of the car and still looked a little pale. As he hastily rubbed at his eye, Bram realized he wasn’t just scared. He was crying. Simon hadn’t told him until they got to the parking lot, but part of Simon had thought (and hoped) that his dad would have come to clear the air and when he didn’t, it was as much confirmation as Simon needed that his dad was upset that he was gay.

They walked into the Waffle House and Simon just shook his head and pointed to his mom when a waitress asked if they were a table of two. Simon’s mom stood up when she noticed him. She gave him a hug and kissed his forehead when he got to the table. She didn’t say a word and he didn’t either as he slid into the booth next to her.

The tension that settled around them was so thick it was practically visible. Bram could sense that Simon wanted to ask his mom something, but he clearly didn’t want to do it in front of Bram and Nora. Bram didn’t know how to clue Nora in without being too obvious.

Fortunately, he didn’t have to. “So, Bram right?” Nora asked.

Bram nodded. “And Nora?” He confirmed. “Simon’s told me so much about you.” At the look on her face, Bram hastily added, “all good things.”

Nora rolled her eyes. “I’m sure.”

“Seriously. He told me you are a really talented chef,” Bram told her. That much was true.

“Did he?” Nora asked brightening up considerably. “I do really like to cook and bake. Just this morning I actually made these peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. Do you want to try one? We have some extra in the car.”

Bram eagerly followed Nora outside, but was a little surprised when she leaned against a pole that marked a parking spot rather than leading him to their car. “There are no cookies,” she admitted after a minute. “I just couldn’t take it in there. Until they talk, they are going to be unbearable.”

She was looking through the window at them. Simon’s hands were bunched into fists on the table and he looked like he was trying to figure out what to say. His mom was looking at him with such a tender and affectionate look, it made Bram’s heart hurt. Simon suddenly turned to his mom and said something. Bram couldn’t help but watch their exchange with Nora.

“You know they’re watching us,” Simon said as he turned to look at his mom for the first time.

“Does it matter?” She asked.

“Guess not,” he admitted. He studied his mom for a second. He could feel the dry burn in the back of his throat that had been threatening to make him cry since he pulled into the parking lot. He didn’t think there was any way to keep it at bay, so he figured he might as well get this over with. “Did you know?” He hadn’t been planning on asking her that and was a little surprised when that’s what came out of his mouth. He had wondered about that when he had first come out to his family and hadn’t realized until he asked her how much he wanted to know.

“I knew you had a secret. These last few years… you’ve been so much more withdrawn than you were when you were younger. I felt like you were always on guard, like there was an entire part of you that you were fighting hard to keep hidden from us or like you were holding your breath. I didn’t want to pry, but maybe I should have.”

“No. You were right to not pry,” Simon told her after a long while. It was hard for him to wrap his head around the fact that he had been so obvious.

“Listen to me Simon. When you came out to us, you told us you didn’t want us to treat you any differently and that you were still you. I love you just as much today as I did Christmas Eve. I may love you a little more because you were willing to share this part of yourself with me. I wish that I could go through this with you, but being gay is your thing. And I hate that.” His mom let out a long, shaky breath. “But I love that you get to be you. It’s out now and you get to be more you than you’ve been in a very long time. You get to exhale now Simon.”

Simon couldn’t help himself as tears started to slip from his eyes. He turned as much as he could in the booth and hugged his mom. She held him tightly and he felt safe in her arms. He still had problems. He didn’t know what to make of his dad’s reaction and he had no idea who put that note in his locker. Kids at school were still going to talk about him and stare at him. His friends were still ignoring him. But this felt like such a win for him. It felt like one less thing that he needed to agonize over and one more thing that was okay again after his coming out.

“I’m so proud of you.” His mom’s voice was no more than a whisper, but it made him feel like he was a little kid again, one who could go to his mom about anything and she would come up with a magical solution. He knew no magical solution existed for the chaos that was his life, but it was nice to have a few moments where he could believe there was.

After a moment, he pulled back. “Thanks.”

His mom pushed hair out of his eyes. “You don’t need to thank me. I’m your mother. I vowed to love you unconditionally when you were born and nothing will change that. Nothing.” Her eyes flickered to the window where Nora and Bram suddenly pretended that they hadn’t been watching them. “Not even a boyfriend.”

“Bram’s not my boyfriend,” Simon said. He dried his eyes with his shirt. “He’s not even gay.”

His mom didn’t look like she believed him. “But you like him.”

Simon turned a little red. “It kind of surprised me. I didn’t really know him until the f- until the other day at school. I dunno… It just kinda happened. It’s just a crush. It’ll wear off.”

His mom pursed her lips, but didn’t say anything else about that. “Speaking of the other day at school,” she started to say.

“Look, I know I should’ve given you more notice before I was suddenly not home for a couple of days,” Simon started to say.

“That’s not what I was talking about,” his mom interrupted him gently. She put her hand on his arm. “I knew you were struggling with the way we took it and I was thrilled you had someone that could help you through that. I was surprised when it was Bram and not Nick… until I ran into Nick’s mom at Publix.” Simon groaned. He knew Nick didn’t talk to his mom much, but he obvious told her something. “She said that Nick refuses to talk about you. He seemed angry about something.”

“He, Leah, and Abby aren’t talking to me right now,” Simon muttered.

“And why not?” His mom asked.

“I did something stupid when I was trying to keep my secret from them. After it got out, they all found out about it.” She nodded and Simon could see a thoughtful look behind her eyes. He called this her therapist look and he knew she was mentally therapizing him. “Look, I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m not your patient, I’m your son. And I need to just be your son right now.”

She nodded. “Okay. So tell me about Bram,” she said. “What’s he like?”

Simon looked out the window and made eye contact with Bram. Bram, at least, had the wherewithal to look ashamed at having been caught spying on them. Nora had no such reservations. Simon smiled and waved at them to come back in. “Why don’t you find out for yourself?”

They were at Waffle House until it was almost time for dinner. Simon’s mom and sister loved Bram and wasted no time in sharing embarrassing stories about Simon. Simon half expected them to pull out naked baby pictures. Simon blushed at all the appropriate moments and pretended to be offended when they didn’t stop. Truthfully, he loved how normal it felt.

When he climbed back into Bram’s car, he realized why the afternoon had felt so special. He almost felt like it was a glimpse into what his life would be like if Bram were gay. There could be countless lunches where his family and Bram team up to make him laugh and embarrass him. As soon as that image popped into his head, Simon pushed it away. Bram was straight, he reminded himself. However, it wouldn’t hurt to picture that future with Blue… whoever that might be.

When they got back to Bram’s house, Simon went to take a shower before dinner. Bram realized that this was the first time he had been alone for more than a minute since Simon had sent him that email Friday night. He had never responded and he was sure Simon was eagerly waiting for it.

 

_Hey Simon,_

_Sorry that it’s been awhile. I had a weird weekend. I’m glad that my last email helped you. I could never be angry with you! I’m kind of flattered that tequila made you talk about me. I would love to see Simon drunk on tequila one day. I have to admit, I kind of knew you didn’t have a “friend.” I would never think you are weak. I think there are a lot of rude people at our school (big surprise there), but I don’t think that has anything to do with you. You are so brave and strong, and nothing can convince me otherwise._

_And I understand where you’re coming from, I really do. I get that it isn’t fair that you’re out and I’m not and that because of that, things are so much worse for you. I thought I couldn’t tell you who I am. I thought it would be too hard and that I would be too obvious. If it helps at all, the reason I couldn’t tell you is because if you knew, I knew I wouldn’t be able to be subtle at school. Once you know who I am, I want us to be so obviously in love that the other kids at school are jealous of us._

_And I promise, I’m getting there. Every day, I get closer to being ready. I came out to my best friend this weekend, so that was pretty big._

_So I’ve been ruminating about something most of this weekend. I feel like I get this wonderful opportunity to get to know you in a different way now that I know who you are. I didn’t realize how much the little things were missing from our conversations. It doesn’t seem fair that I get to know all these things about you, but you don’t get to know them about me. So, I want us to be able to talk about everything._

_Here’s a small tidbit about me that you may not know: I am pretty shy at school. It doesn’t feel or look natural when I try to force a conversation, so I usually only talk when someone asks me a question or goes out of their way to include me. Otherwise, I usually just listen in and laugh along to conversations._

_I feel like there’s so much more I could tell you, but I can’t think of it right now. If you have any specific questions, I promise I will do my best to answer them._

_Love, Blue_

 

Bram pressed send and couldn’t help but smile. It wasn’t enough, not by a long shot, but it was something more he could give Simon until he was ready to come out.

Bram was dozing off on the couch when Simon got out of the shower. He woke up to Simon’s hand on his shoulder. The first thing Bram noticed was that Simon was completely shirtless. As Bram took in Simon, he realized that he wasn’t just shirtless. He was holding a towel at his side, but other than that he wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing. “Hey, do you have a pair of boxers and a shirt I can borrow? I left mine on the floor and your mom thought they were dirty, so she threw them in the laundry.”

Bram couldn’t have said anything if he tried. He knew he was blushing because he was pretty sure he could fry an egg on the heat he felt in his cheeks. It would be so easy to lean up and kiss him. Simon’s lips looked particularly red in contrast to all the pale skin he had exposed. Simon shook him again. “Hello?”

Bram quickly shook his head, trying to rid the fuzz from his head. “Um… yeah, of course.”

Simon followed him to his bedroom and Bram tossed him a change of clothes. Once Simon was gone, Bram collapsed in his desk chair. He was surprised by how late it was. Simon must have spent over 30 minutes in the shower. Bram felt a little lightheaded. He had gotten so close to giving himself away. At this rate, Simon would know who he was by the end of the night.

Bram opened his computer, hoping that he would find something that would distract him, even if it was proofreading his English paper. But the first thing he saw was that Simon had responded to his email.

 

_You’ll answer any questions, huh? Then what’s your name? Just kidding._

_In all seriousness, I guess I would like to know what you like about school... and what you hate about it? You don’t have to answer this, but I’m kind of curious. Do I ever see you around school? Other than that, I don’t know. I feel like there’s so much I want to know, but I want to learn about it in person. I want to know what you look like when you’re uncomfortable at school, I want to know what you look like when you smile, and I want to know if you have any cute habits when you’re nervous or bored. Those aren’t really things I want you to describe via email._

_I really didn’t mean to pressure you about coming out. I was drunk… that’s no excuse and I’m sorry. I’m honestly just getting nervous that it’s never going to happen. I am so ridiculously in love with you and I just want to be able to tell the world how happy you make me. But I meant it when I said I would wait. As long as it takes. You’re worth it._

_I’m sorry to hear you had a weird weekend. Do you want to talk about it? How did your friend take it? I had a pretty weird weekend myself. I got lunch with my mom and sister today. It was weird… and then it wasn’t. I feel like today may have been a turning point. It feels like some things are finally going well. I did what you recommended and I asked some guys from school for help. That went well too. I hope I’m not jinxing it, but I feel like the pieces of my life are finally coming back together after everything that happened._

_I can’t wait until you are one of the pieces I can add - except I totally can, as long as you need me to wait._

_Love, Simon_

 

Bram immediately started composing his response. He had a small smile on his face as he typed.

 

_You’re right. I said I would answer your questions, but I won’t tell you what my name is. I guess a couple of hints wouldn’t hurt._

_\- I share the same first name as a president_

_\- We actually have two classes together_

_\- I am pretty athletic_

_\- I do really well in English class, but it’s not my favorite_

_\- I am pretty good friends with some guys on the soccer team_

_To answer your other questions, my favorite class is usually science. It’s weird, because I really don’t like math all that much (I would probably say it’s tied with history for my least favorite), but I love everything about science, even the physics and math parts. I also really like English, but part of me has always wondered if that’s just because I’m really good at it. I really like reading and thanks to my dad, I know how to correctly use a comma. I think there’s a difference between doing well in a class and loving a class._

_Wait, actually art might be my least favorite class. It’s like they want to rub it in my face that I am artistically challenged._

_What about you? What classes do you love? Which ones do you hate?_

 

Bram hesitated. Typing up a list about himself made him realize how much he wanted Simon to know who he was. He only had to think back to a couple of minutes ago when he was roused from his sleep by Simon in a towel and he made up his mind.

 

_Friday. I will tell you who I am on Friday. I need a few days to mentally prepare and tie all my loose ends, but I want you to know who I am. I want to be able to see how “ridiculously happy” I make you. I want to be able to show you how ridiculously in love with you I am. Brace yourself, because it’s very possible I won’t be able to get the words out and I’ll just end up kissing you. Well, not really, but there will definitely be kissing at some point. I haven’t thought of much else since I found out who you are._

_This might be my last email until then, but I can’t wait for Friday._

_Love, Blue_

 

Bram pressed send before he could second guess his decision. It took him all of ten seconds to go into panic mode about what he had just done. He paced for several minutes before he realized that there was no coming back from the email he sent. He had made a commitment to come out on Friday. He took a shower before dinner because he hoped the warm water would calm his nerves. He was in the shower so long, Simon knocked to ask him if he drowned.

When Bram emerged, he didn’t think he imagined the way Simon looked him up and down as he went to his bedroom, covered only in a towel. This was going to be a long week.

If Simon noticed something was off with Bram the next couple of days, he never said anything. Simon stayed at his house every night. He was planning on confronting his dad over the weekend. He kept saying that something was going to happen on Friday that would give him the strength to talk to his dad. This made Bram blush without fail, but got a lot of confused looks from Garrett until Bram finally clued him in on Thursday.

Finally, Friday rolled around. It was simultaneously the shortest and longest week Bram had ever experienced. He felt weird knowing that this might be Simon’s last night staying in his house. They had fallen into a comfortable routine the last week and neither of them really wanted it to end. Yet Bram knew it had to. Simon needed to be home with his family, he needed to talk to his dad, he needed to have some sense of normalcy back in his life.

The week had been a jumble of confusing schedules, Bram crashing play practice, and coordinating getting Simon to class. Bram was excited to finally come out, even if it only meant that he would have an excuse to walk Simon from class to class and never leave his side.

Bram was drumming his fingers on the table at lunch. He hadn’t gotten food, because he had every intention of pulling Simon out into the hallway the moment he arrived to tell him who he was… if Simon ever actually got to lunch. Garrett had arrived just to report that Simon had been called to guidance again. He had been called in almost every day this week. The guidance counselors had noticed that Simon wasn’t hanging out with his friends and seemed withdrawn, so they kept calling him in to get him to open up about his feelings.

Simon had complained about it endlessly the last week. He recognized that he was recently outed as gay, was temporarily living away from home, and was being ignored by all of his friends, but he didn’t understand why the guidance counselors couldn’t take a hint. He was not going to bear his soul to them or have some kind of weird revelation in their office. He was going to continue giving yes or no answers until they stopped trying.

This was the longest he had ever been gone. “Dude, you need to calm down,” Garrett said. “I know today’s the big day, but if you don’t calm down your going to throw up all over Spier when you profess your love to him.”

Bram rolled his eyes. Since he had told Garrett that he was going to tell Simon who he was, Garrett had been freakishly involved in the process.

Bram had a pack of Oreos in his jacket pocket, just waiting to be pulled out and given to Simon as, what Garrett liked to call, “a token of his undying love for Simon.” Garrett had used a whole analogy about the significance of the white cream coming together with the two chocolate cookies. Bram still blushed whenever he thought about it. He had no intention of sharing that metaphor with Simon, but he appreciated Garrett’s help. And his willingness to listen to Bram go on and on about how he was going to tell Simon. He had locked himself in his room for hours yesterday while Simon was doing homework and had run through scenario after scenario.

Thank God for Garrett, because he had talked Bram out of some pretty bad ideas. Like singing “Out of the Blue” in reference to Simon dressing up like John Lennon for Halloween and, of course, in reference to his nickname. Garrett had pointed out that Simon might not understand that reference since Halloween had been several months ago, plus Bram’s singing voice was less than desirable. As Garrett had joked, Bram didn’t want to scare Simon off. He had also vetoed Bram’s idea of leaving a note in Simon’s locker. He said that this needed to happen face to face. After talking over email for such a long time, they both deserved for this to happen in person, which Bram couldn’t deny the truth of.

So, Bram finally settled on explaining the hints he had given Simon in his last email so that Simon could come to the conclusion that he was Blue. After days of agonizing over this decision to come out, Bram couldn’t wait to tell Simon.

Ten minutes into lunch when he still hadn’t arrived, Bram resolved to wait for him outside the guidance office. He couldn’t take sitting around in anticipation. “I’m gonna go find Simon,” Bram muttered as he ran from the cafeteria. He heard strange noises coming from the same hallway he and Simon had ducked down after the fight the week before. His curiosity got the better of him and he walked toward the hallway.


	7. When One Door Closes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what I’m hearing is that you all love cliffhangers, right? Just kidding. I promise, this isn’t ending with a cliffhanger. I LOVED writing this story and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

 

Bram’s blood went cold when he rounded the corner. Simon was leaning against the wall and there were two football players he vaguely recognized, but couldn’t put a name to. Simon had been right. They weren’t Aaron and Spencer. The first thing Bram noticed was blood. He didn’t know if it was Simon’s or one of the football players, but it was smeared on the floor. It was almost sickening to see some scattered, bloody footprints.

The second thing he noticed was the way Simon was holding himself. Bram could only assume he had gotten in a few hits, because his hand looked a little bloody and bruised. Simon looked like the only thing keeping him from crashing to the ground was the stability of the wall behind him.

“Hey!” Bram shouted. He didn’t care if he attracted the attention of everyone in the school. “Back off!”

Bram ran so he was in between Simon and the football players. He nearly slipped on some blood, but managed to steady himself at the last minute. “You’re going to protect the fag?” one of the football players sneered.

Bram studied Simon intently. It didn’t look like he was too badly hurt. He had a small cut above his eyebrow. It took Bram a minute to realize that he wasn’t cut or bleeding anywhere else. It seemed like an awful lot of blood for such a small cut. When he took his attention off Simon and turned to the football players, he realized one was sporting a bloody nose. That made him feel a little better. At least all the blood on the floor wasn’t Simon’s. The one with the bloody nose was hovering about a foot behind the other football player.

“Yes, I am,” Bram said evenly. He turned to look at Simon. “Because Simon’s not the only one that likes eclairs in this school.” Simon looked at him confused for a moment and Bram could literally see the light bulb go off as he understood what Bram meant and more specifically who he had used that analogy on.

“What?” Both of the football players looked confused and Bram supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. Simon’s analogy had been purely between the two of them.

“I’m gay too. So if you’ve got a problem with Simon, you’ve got a problem with me,” Bram warned. Saying it out loud didn’t make him scared or embarrassed. He felt empowered.

“Then I guess we’ve got a problem with you.” Like in a movie, the football player closest to him cracked his knuckles to appear threatening. It didn’t really work and Bram was surprised to find out people did that in real life.

Bram instinctively ducked under his punch and threw one himself. He was shocked by the jolt that ran down his arm when his fist made contact with the kid’s nose. He heard a crack and for a second, he thought it had been his hand, but when he didn’t feel excruciating pain, he realized he must have broken their nose. He could hardly believe it. He wasn’t a particularly violent person and the knowledge that he may have actually broken someone’s nose was hard to wrap his head around.

Bram’s heart was pounding in his ears and he was barely aware that several teachers had responded to the sound of the scuffle and were currently trying to usher him down the hallway. He couldn’t look away from Simon.

As his heart slowed, he became more aware of what was happening around him. He noticed several teachers that were trying to get through to him and Simon. Simon was sitting on the floor with his hands over his ears. Simon was either ignoring or was completely unaware of the teacher that was trying to get his attention. One teacher was squeezing Bram’s shoulder tight so he wouldn’t be able to escape. “Let me,” Bram said.

“After you’ve just been fighting him? I think not,” a teacher said angrily.

Bram shook his head. “I didn’t do this to him. They did. They called him a fa… Let’s just say they weren’t happy about him being gay. I just stepped in to defend him and it got out of hand. Please, let me help him.”

The teacher hesitated, but something in Bram’s expression must have convinced him. He let go of his shoulder and Bram crouched in front of Simon. He was handed a damp towel. He kind of wished he didn’t have an audience for this, but that couldn’t be helped. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw three teachers and a security guard shepherd away the two football players. Bram hoped that they would be in all sorts of trouble.

Bram gently brought his hand to Simon’s and pulled it away from his ears. Despite the fact that Simon had resisted the teachers, he let Bram draw him out. Bram began to wipe off his forehead. Bram didn’t think he’d need stitches, but it looked painful. It was a strangely intimate action and Bram suddenly understood every book or movie scene that went from cleaning an injury to sex. “Hey Jacques,” Bram whispered. He hated seeing Simon like this and he hated those kids for being unable to accept that Simon was gay. “How’s it going?”

“Blue?” Simon said as if he couldn’t believe his eyes or ears.

“It’s me,” Bram confirmed. This wasn’t how he planned for it to happen, but he couldn’t help but smile a little. Simon finally knew. “What happened before I got here.”

“They got me when I got out of Ms. Gregor’s office. They told me that it didn’t look like I’d straightened myself out and told me I was… it doesn’t matter they’re assholes. But when I told them I didn’t care what they thought, they started pushing me around. I cut my forehead when I fell against the fire extinguisher case and I don’t really remember much after that. I got a little lightheaded and I tried to fight back. Then you were here.” Simon gave him a look that made Bram think there was something else he wanted to say that wouldn’t be appropriate to say in front of teachers.

Bram finished cleaning off his forehead and was handed a small butterfly bandage. He put it over Simon’s cut and everything felt so much more manageable after that. “Well, I’m glad I showed up when I did.” He didn’t drop Simon’s hand, something Simon clearly noticed when his eyes darted down to their hands and then back up to Bram.

“Yeah, I got pretty lucky.”

Bram turned his attention to Simon’s injured hand. “Squeeze,” he instructed. He was grateful for having taken a class on sports injuries when he was a sophomore. He had learned a lot of techniques that were coming in handy right now. Simon squeezed lightly. “How did that feel?”

“Okay. It hurts, but I don’t have any issues moving it.” Bram wiped off Simon’s hand thoroughly with the towel. His knuckles continued to bleed despite Bram’s best attempts to staunch it. Bram mused that it was a really good thing blood didn’t make him woozy.

He glanced up at the two teachers that remained in the hallway. “Do you have anything to cover his hand with?”

Mr. Gerber, the chemistry teacher, shook his head. “We’ll have to get him to the nurse.”

Bram felt there was so much he wanted to say, but he couldn’t do it in front of his teachers. He settled for climbing to his feet and extended his hand to Simon. Bram helped him to his feet and immediately dropped his hand. He felt bad about that, but he didn’t know how Simon felt about handholding and this wasn’t exactly the ideal circumstance to talk about it. They followed Mr. Gerber to the nurse’s office. Bram was only slightly surprised to see the hoard of students lining the hallway and whispering about what had just happened. He doubted they had heard him, but he already felt self-conscious that they would know soon enough. He glanced at Simon and suddenly the whispers felt like a small price to pay. They would get through this. He spotted Garrett in the sea of faces. Garrett had a look on his face like Christmas came early. He winked at Bram and gave him the thumbs up.

Bram resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Only Garrett would condone a fight like that. To Garrett, this had probably been far more romantic than anything Bram could have planned.

Mr. Gerber left them once they got to the nurse’s office. Nurse Sam wrapped Simon’s hand and left them in the corner with the curtain closed to give them some privacy. They were warned that Mr. Worth would be calling them into his office once he was done with Chris and Mike. Bram assumed those were the football players.

Once Nurse Sam left, Bram moved from his uncomfortable plastic chair to sit on the bench next to Simon. “You’re really Blue,” Simon whispered.

Bram wasn’t sure if that was a question or not. “Yes,” he confirmed.

“You’ve been Blue this whole time. The fight last week and while I’ve been living at your house.”

“Yes.” Bram was starting to get worried. Simon looked so emotionless. He couldn’t tell if he was happy or angry or something else entirely.

“You didn’t tell me.”

“I wanted to. I just… I wasn’t ready for the school to know.” Now that he was ready, it seemed like a silly reason to keep this from Simon.

“But you’re ready now?” Simon confirmed. His lips twitched and Bram felt a relief unlike any other when he realized Simon wasn’t angry with him.

Bram just nodded, a smile crossing his face. “I think I’ve been ready for awhile. I was just scared.”

“I know the feeling.” Simon had a far off look in his eyes.

“Simon?” Bram asked. Simon turned to look at him with a question in his eyes. “There’s something I’ve been dying to do.”

“What - oh!” Simon said as Bram brought his hand to his cheek. Simon’s eyes fluttered closed as Bram leaned in.

The kiss was everything they’d built it up to be. Potentially even more so, because they were definitely kissing with more enthusiasm than they ever should have shown in a school nurse’s office with only a curtain giving them privacy. They couldn’t help it. They had been waiting for this moment for months. Everything that had happened from their very first email to Simon being outed to Bram deciding to come out seemed to build up to this moment where they could be together without any restriction.

They probably would not have broken their kiss for a long time if they hadn’t heard someone tell the nurse that Mr. Worth was ready to see them. Bram hastily moved back to his chair and realized too late that Simon’s hair was messier than usual and he was pretty sure that his shirt was more ruffled than it had been just a few minutes earlier.

If the nurse or teacher noticed, they didn’t say anything about it. It seemed Mr. Gerber was their designated babysitter for this whole situation, because he told them to follow him. Simon and Bram walked a little behind him the whole way to Mr. Worth’s office.

Bram had to admit that Mr. Worth was a strange, strange Vice Principal. He had spent most of his high school career avoiding Mr. Worth like the plague and he suddenly felt very validated in that decision. Mr. Worth spoke to them like he was in high school in the 60’s. The things he thought were cool… he just had no idea how to actually talk to teenagers.

If it was bad for Bram, he knew it was so much worse for Simon. Mr. Worth seemed to think that they were “brothas from another motha.” Mr. Worth’s words, not Bram’s. Hearing Mr. Worth proclaim that there was nothing wrong about being gay and that Simon was still a person no matter who he loved, actually made Bram feel nauseated.

It seemed like his talk went on forever before he even mentioned the fight that had just occurred. Once he did, Bram wasn’t sure which he preferred. Mr. Worth went on and on about taking nonviolent steps to resolve conflict. Bram was relieved when Mr. Worth told them that since they had fought in self-defense, they wouldn’t have the ‘standard disciplinary action,’ but they would have to complete one day of In School Suspension and would not be allowed to finish the current school day. Simon wouldn’t be able to go to play practice until Tuesday. They were also warned that their parents had been contacted. Bram was a little relieved when Mr. Worth said he had been unable to get in touch with his mom and that she had been left a voicemail. Bram explained that she worked at the hospital and that Fridays tended to be one of her busier days. The last thing he wanted was for her to think that she needed to leave work for him.

By the time they left Mr. Worth’s office, there was only an hour left of school. When they exited the school, they spotted Leah sitting on the half wall. It was unexpected because Leah never struck Bram as the kind of person that would skip class.

They were ready to walk right past her, but she called out to them. “Simon.” Her voice was quiet, but clear.

Simon hesitated before he walked towards her. He was grateful for Bram’s presence, because he didn’t think that he could face her otherwise.

“I was angry,” she began. “And I was hurt. I couldn’t see past my own feelings to understand why you may have made the decisions you made. But after this last week… We are all so sorry. We had no idea it would be like this. We didn’t really understand until today how bad things were for you. We should have never turned our backs on you. That’s not what friends do.”

Part of Simon wanted to tell her off. He wanted to tell her that no amount of apologies can make up for the fact that when he thought he had hit rock bottom she and the rest of his friends proved that there was no bottom to his personal hell and that he could keep falling forever. He wanted to tell her that he couldn’t forgive them, because they had been emotionally hurting, but because of them he was emotionally and physically hurting.

He didn’t say any of that. Instead he just nodded and said, “Thanks.” He didn’t think things were ever going to go back to normal, but nothing either of them said was going to change that. And if he was being honest, he was too exhausted to have that conversation with her. Leah bit her lip like she was going to say something, but Simon spoke before she could. “We really have to get going. Mr. Worth wanted us of school property ASAP.”

Bram allowed Simon to pull him across the parking lot to his car. “What was that about?” Bram asked once Simon was buckled in the passenger seat. “For over a week, you’ve been talking about how much you missed them.”

“I don’t know. It’s like once she apologized, I realized it didn’t make a difference. They may be able to forgive and forget, but I can’t. I can’t forget what happened this last week because they didn’t give me the time of day. Something changed between us and I don’t think it can change back.”

Bram frowned. “But they’re your best friends. You, Nick, and Leah have been inseparable since I moved here.”

“Yeah and look at how long it took them to forget that,” Simon snapped. He took a deep breath. “I don’t want to fight with you. You’re right. I thought I wanted them to apologize, but that’s not what I needed. I needed their understanding instead of their anger. I needed them not their silence. I needed them a week ago. Now? I don’t need their apologies and they can’t go back in time and give me what I need.”

Bram felt like he kind of understood. “Because they turned their backs on you, you learned that you don’t need them to get through this.”

“I still miss them,” Simon said wistfully. “I think I always will. But because of them, I have you in my life. I found a friend in Garrett. I’m not going to completely ignore them and if they need me, I’m here for them, but we all made decisions that we regret and those decisions have consequences. This is that consequence. It kind of makes me think about that ‘when one door closes’ speech we used to get from adults when we were younger. I don’t think I really believed it until now, but if my friends hadn’t… well you know, who knows where we would be.” Simon was quiet for awhile. “I think maybe one day things will be better between us. If we put in the time and effort to really fix our friendship, we might actually come out of this as stronger friends. But it won’t happen overnight.”

Bram nodded. “Okay,” he said. He started his car and backed out of his spot.

“So you figured out what I meant when I said I had a friend that likes eclairs, huh?” Simon asked.

Bram blushed. “You told me he prepared eclairs over donuts, Could you have been more obvious?”

“I thought it was clever,” Simon said with a grin.

“It was like middle school with the sexual innuendos all over again,” Bram teased.

“I tried my best,” Simon said smugly. He put his head in his hands as he realized something. “Ugh, I talked about you in those emails.”

“Yeah, that was pretty fun. I think my favorite was you insisting I was straight several times. I think ‘straight as an arrow’ was a solid simile.”

Simon turned bright red. “Well if you had dropped even the slightest hint that you were Blue... Wait, how is your first name the same as a president?”

“Bram is short for Abraham.”

“Ah,” Simon said, nodding his head.

“Who did you think it was?” Bram asked curiously.

“Honestly, I had no idea. The only guy I knew with the first name of a president isn’t athletic. Plus, on Monday I made a list and 11 guys share two exactly classes with me, so way to narrow that down. I guess your English hint should have made it really obvious. You’re the smartest person in our class.”

“I don’t know about that,” Bram said uncomfortably.

“Take the compliment. You’re a really great guy. I’m really glad you’re Blue.” The sincerity in Simon’s voice reverberated through Bram and made him feel like cotton candy.

“You’re not disappointed?” He confirmed.

“God no. I’ve felt so guilty for liking you this past week. I felt like I was betraying Blue in a way,” Simon admitted.

Bram chuckled. “I thought you were flirting.”

“Like you were any better,” Simon pointed out. “If I was flirting, you were flirting right back.”

“Yes, but I knew who you were, so I knew I was simultaneously flirting with Simon and Jacques. For all you knew, Bram and Blue were two entirely different people.”

Simon was staring at him. “Okay, we’ll pretend that logic makes sense. But at the end of the day, you weren’t two people, you were the same person. And… This is the strangest conversation we’ve ever had.” Simon looked out the window. “There’s still one thing we need to figure out.”

“What’s that?” Bram asked.

“After what happened with those football players, are you really ready to be out?” Simon asked him quietly.

“I am,” Bram told him as he pulled up to his house. “I told you before that I’ve been ready for awhile and I meant that. It might be rough at first, but we’ll go through it together.”

Simon got out of the car. “As long as you’re sure.”

Bram stumbled with his key and opened the front door. “If there’s anything I’m sure about, it’s you.” He turned to look at Simon and was shocked by how close he was standing.

“Thanks,” Simon whispered. He looked like he didn’t quite know what they should do next.

“Do you want to go to my room?” Bram asked uncertainly.

Simon’s face lit up. “Yes.”

Simon froze when he walked into Bram’s bedroom. “What’s wrong?” Bram asked as he closed his door.

This wasn’t the first time he’d been in Bram’s bedroom since Halloween, but for some reason, he couldn’t get the image of Bram kissing that girl out of his head now. “The girl.” He couldn’t manage anything more than that.

Bram understood. “I was drunk and confused. And I was feeling so many feelings. It ended like a minute after you saw us. There was something about you, of all people, walking in on me that made me realize a cute girl wasn’t going to make me less confused or less into guys.”

They both awkwardly sat on the bed after that. Every fiber of Bram’s being wanted to kiss Simon, but it wasn’t like in the movies where people immediately couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. Bram felt like he didn’t want them to move too fast. He wanted to cherish these moments with Simon. “I feel like there is something else we need to talk about,” Simon said after a minute.

“What’s that?” Bram asked curiously.

“I don’t know where you’re at with this, but I’m not ready to have sex yet. I want to take some time to get to know you as Bram,” Simon told him. He looked like he was confessing to murder.

“I couldn’t agree more.” Bram didn’t hesitate. “You just found out who I was today and I don’t want us to move too fast. This is really important to me.”

“It’s important to me too.” He had a strange look on his face. “What are we?”

“What do you mean?” Bram was studying him. He didn’t think he’d ever get enough of Simon or that he would ever be able to wrap his head around the fact that Simon loved him.

“I mean we have this thing that’s important to both of us, but what does that mean? What does that make us?”

Bram took his hand. “We can be whatever you want us to be,” he told him seriously. “If you want to be boyfriends, we’ll be boyfriends. If you don’t want a label, we won’t have a label. Whatever we’re calling ourselves, I’m all in.”

“Boyfriends,” Simon said with a smile. “I like the sound of that.”

“Me too.” Bram brushed some hair out of Simon’s eyes. “At the risk of sounding like we’re moving too fast, I really think we’ve talked enough.”

“I agree,” Simon said. He brought his hand up to Bram’s cheek and closed his eyes as he leaned in. There was something so much more intense about this kiss than the one they had shared earlier. Possibly because there was no chance they would be interrupted or maybe because they were on the same page about what they wanted, but there was nothing holding them back. They shifted so Simon was lying on his back and Bram was hovering over him.

Too soon, Bram rolled off of him. Both of them were breathing heavily. “That was… wow. I can’t imagine it getting better than that,” Bram muttered.

“If sex isn’t better than that, I think we’ll have done something wrong. But I know what you mean.” Simon studied Bram. He doubted there was a better sight than Bram propping himself on his arms, his chest rising and falling as he tried to catch his breath, and his face tinted pink both from exertion and from what they had just done.

It made Simon want to kiss him again. So he did. This one was short and sweet. It left both of them with butterflies in their stomachs and smiles on their faces. They sat on Bram’s bed for hours after that. Simon was resting his head on Bram’s chest. Bram had his arms wrapped around Simon. He would kiss Simon’s forehead when there was a lull in their conversation. They shared a few small kisses, but mostly they talked without the barrier of secret identities for the first time.

“So… when are you going to tell Garrett?” Simon asked quietly when they had gotten back into his bed after eating dinner. They had both hastily brushed their teeth, because neither of them wanted their breath to keep smelling like take-out chinese food.

“What do you mean? I told him I was gay last weekend when we were knee deep in tequila.” Bram looked down at Simon curiously.

“I mean about us.” Simon was looking down towards where Bram’s hands were entwined with his own. “I think he should hear it from you.”

Bram frowned. He had never considered that. He guessed Simon was right. They probably should tell Garrett before they flaunted their relationship at school. He realized that they should also tell his mom and Simon’s parents before Monday. There are some things that your parents shouldn’t hear from strangers. “I’ll call him tomorrow,” Bram promised. “I don’t think Garrett’s the only person we need to tell about this.”

“I was planning on going home tomorrow anyway. I’m going to tell my family then,” Simon told him. He looked nervous to have that conversation with his family. “I… I kind of want you to be there. My mom and Nora have met you, but I’d like to introduce you to them as… my boyfriend.”

“Wow, that’s a big step,” Bram said. He unwrapped his arms from Simon and they both moved so they were facing each other.

“If it’s too much, we don’t have to,” Simon said quickly. “I just figured…”

“No, it’s not too much!” Bram hastily interrupted. “It’s definitely not too much. I just wasn’t expecting it. I want to be there for you. It’s just a lot all at once. This morning no one knew I was gay except my parents and Garrett and now… everyone’s gonna know and we’re introducing ourselves as boyfriends.” He smiled. “It’s a lot, but a good a lot that’s happening all at once. I just need a second to catch up with it all.”

“So… that’s a yes?” Simon confirmed.

“Of course it’s a yes,” Bram promised. He pulled Simon back into his embrace and kissed him, successfully ending that conversation.

Bram wasn’t sure when fell asleep, but he was very much aware when he woke up to a shrill, “Bram Louis Greenfeld!”

Bram jerked away. The first thing he noticed was that his arms were wrapped around Simon. For a split second, he allowed himself to enjoy the pure warmth radiating from Simon and how right it felt for him to be in his arms. They both were shirtless and Bram could feel from under the sheets that Simon was only wearing boxers. Simon was still fast asleep and Bram could feel his chest rising and falling in time with his breath.

Then Bram looked up at what had woken him up. He instinctively pushed Simon off of him and sat up straight when he saw his mother standing at the foot of his bed with her hand on her hips.

“What the-” Simon started to say. “Oh. Good morning Mrs. Greenfeld.” He pulled Bram’s comforter up to his chin, his face more flushed than Bram had ever seen it.

“Good morning. Why don’t the two of you get dressed and come downstairs. I think we have a lot to talk about,” she told them. There wasn’t a hint of emotion on her face or in her voice.

Simon nodded nervously and she walked out. “We are in so much trouble,” he muttered as he got out of Bram’s bed.

Bram couldn’t say anything. He felt like he had swallowed something really big and that something big was currently wedged in his throat. He got out of bed and quickly fished a t-shirt out of his dresser and threw it on. He at least was wearing pajama pants. He threw a pair of sweatpants and a shirt to Simon. He couldn’t believe they had fallen asleep. They had changed into pajamas, had gotten a late-night snack, and were kissing goodnight before Simon was supposed to go back to the guest room, but he never quite made it back there. The only reason Simon was only in boxers was because things had gotten a little out of hand during their late-night snack and they had kind of gotten into a mini food fight. They had had to do a load of laundry to get the ice cream stains out of their clothes. They hadn’t done anything other than make out… but considering they woke up without shirts on, he wasn’t entirely sure his mother would believe him.

When they got downstairs, Bram’s mother was sitting at the kitchen table with her hands folded in front of her. Bram and Simon sat across from her.

“I got a voicemail from your Vice Principal when I got off my shift this morning,” she said after a moment. “He said you were suspended for half of the day yesterday and that you have in school suspension on Monday. And then imagine my surprise when I came home and saw you two in bed together after I was told that there was nothing romantic happening between you.”

Bram was silent for a long time. His face felt hot and he felt ashamed. This wasn’t how he wanted to tell his mom about Simon and he had no idea what to say. She may be making assumptions about what they had done, but that didn’t minimize the truth of her words. He had prided himself on being easy for her to manage and in less than 24 hours he had completely ruined that.

“Mrs. Greenfeld?” Simon asked hesitantly. “It’s my fault Bram was in a fight at school. There were some kids that were trying to beat me up in school and Bram pretty much came to my rescue. If he hadn’t… I don’t know what would have happened to me. After that fight, he told me he was gay and we got together. We were planning on telling you when you got home because we didn’t want to bother you when you were working. As for what you saw… I swear, we didn’t do anything. I know it looks bad, but we just fell asleep. That’s it.”

Bram’s mom studied Simon for several minutes before she nodded. “So nothing happened last night.”

Bram turned a little red. “Just kissing,” he told her.

“Because if you are sexually active, I know I can’t stop you. But you need to be safe.”

Bram internally groaned. He knew the best thing to do to avoid an embarrassing conversation was to look remorseful and stay silent. Simon, however, didn’t quite have the knowledge of his mother that he did. “We’re not having sex yet.”

“Yet,” his mom said with pursed lips. Under the table, Bram found Simon’s hand and squeezed it so he wouldn’t say anything else. Simon looked at him surprised, but kept his mouth shut as Bram’s mom launched into a sex talk that put other sex talks to shame. At one point, she pulled up pictures on her phone to emphasize the danger of STDs.

When she finally finished, Bram and Simon were sitting as far from each other as possible and were pointedly avoiding eye contact with each other.

“Well, I’m glad we had this chat,” she said in a voice that was far too cheery for the conversation they had just had. She stood up and walked away. She paused for a moment in the doorway. “We’re going out to breakfast in an hour. If you go back to your room, the door should be open… wide open.”

Once she left, they were silent for a long time. Bram’s face was in his hands. “I’m so sorry,” Simon said when he couldn’t take the silence anymore. Bram was clearly mortified. His face hadn’t been visible since his mom drove home the point that oral counted as sex.

Bram finally lifted up his head and Simon was shocked to see he was smiling. “I’m not,” he said simply. “I never, ever want to get caught in that position again, but last night was…”

“Perfect?” Simon finished.

Bram nodded. “I like that we got to spend time together like that. I dunno… I feel sappy saying this, but it felt right.”

“I feel the same way. Mind you, it wasn’t the most pleasant experience to be suddenly pushed off of you, but I liked the sleep part… and the kissing part… and all of the parts really,” Simon told him. “But I never want your mom to see me in my boxers again.” Simon turned red again. “I’m never going to be able to look her in the eye.”

“It could’ve been worse. We could have been naked,” Bram said without thinking. His face contorted comically as he realized what he said. “I mean hypothetically. Not that last night we could have actually been… you know. We’re not there yet.”

Simon chuckled. “Not yet,” he agreed.

They sat there for awhile, holding hands and enjoying one another’s company. They didn’t say anything, but they didn’t have to. The doorbell rang, suddenly pulling them from their moment.

Bram got up to answer the door. “Um… Simon?” He called.

Simon went to join Bram and stopped dead when he saw who was standing in the door.

“Dad?” Simon asked surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“I got the phone call about the fight.” Simon’s dad looked at the cut above Simon’s eyebrow.

“Well, as you can see everything’s fine, I’m fine. So you can go,” Simon said angrily. He was surprised by the venom in his voice. He had spent the last couple of weeks trying to convince himself that he needed to give his dad the benefit of the doubt, but the fact that his dad was standing on Bram’s doorstep to talk about the fight and not about the gay elephant in the room made him angrier than he thought possible.

“Wait. There’s something I have to say.” Simon’s dad looked extremely uncomfortable and he was playing with the car keys in his hands. “When you came out to us, I didn’t know what to do with that information, so I did what I always do. I made jokes. When I saw how much that hurt you, I was ashamed of myself. I never wanted to make you feel like I had a problem with you being gay. I don’t care that you’re gay. I care that for the last who knows how many years, I missed it. I didn’t know and I should have. I’m sorry.” Simon’s dad looked like he was tearing up.

“You shouldn’t have realized it,” Simon said quietly. “I was trying to hide it from you. I never said anything.”

“I know, but you’re my son. And I should have known.” Simon’s dad fidgeted uncomfortably.  He started to cry in earnest now. “I’m so sorry. For everything.”

“Shit dad. Don’t cry,” Simon said. He looked like he was about to start crying as well.

“I’m trying not to,” Simon’s dad said. He glanced at Bram, then seemed to abandon any attempts to hold himself together. He took a step towards Simon and wrapped his arms around him. “I love you Simon. You are my son and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

Simon let himself collapse into his dad’s arms. He held him tightly and couldn’t help but cry into his shoulder. He hadn’t realized just how much he needed his father’s approval until he got it. His mother’s words from the week before came back to him and he finally felt like her words were true. He felt like he could exhale now.


End file.
